The Foothills

   Taking a bite from the Tree of Good and Evil, don't we do it every day?  I often thing that biting from that fruit equates to large sins.  You know, the kind us self righteous Christians stay away from.....cussing, smoking, drinking, stealing, lying, cheating....

But, maybe, those aren't the true fruit of that tree.  Maybe, those are the "sins" that are actually a distraction from the true fruit and the bigger issue.....self-reliance and of feeling we have our lives under control.  It's more subtle than the "large sins" cause self-reliance is a good thing, having it all together is a sign of having arrived in the blessings of God because we've done well and we're finally being rewarded.  Right?

After walking through a couple different seasons over the past 10 years; seasons I've name Fields of Prosperity and the Valley of Darkness, I think I might possibly be learning something.  Looking back, I realize the Fields of Prosperity produced in me a lot of self-reliance.  The Valley of Darkness, which in retrospect should be renamed the Valley of Grace and Restoration, produced the opposite.  There I found myself in extreme need, all day, ever day, for a strength I did not possess.  I found myself constantly leaning hard, heavy and ugly on Jesus.

This morning?  Well, I noticed a change.  I'm well out of the Valley and seemed to have traveled to the Foothills.  There is hopeful scenery here; 

something you loose sight of in the Valley
something you cling to so you don't die

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick"

something you only can imagine holding because it is no longer tangible and it takes faith the size of a mustard seed, tiny and difficult to find in the dark valley, to keep holding onto it.

The good thing about seeds is they grow.  Tiny mustard seeds, even when meagerly tended, have a way of growing into a large plant.  And, this morning, as I breathed in what felt like fresh air, looking at hopeful possibilities, and inhaling in the aroma of a field of mustard, a thought went through my head.  A sigh, if you will,

"I'm back to being in control of my life."

And I stopped my deep inhale.  And it dawned on me.  Being in control causes self reliance and self reliance is the opposite of God-reliance.  Though it sounds lovely, it's more like a pesticide being sprayed out on all that flourishing mustard.  It's a sly thought.  It looks promising, but it's riddled with death; just like the fruit Eve took a bite of.  Self reliance is a false sense of hope.  Having it all together isn't a sign of blessing because of obedience or having arrived to some spiritual nirvana.  Self reliance is stepping away from resting in Him and I'm not sure that's a place I really want to be.

I've found more gems in the Valley than I ever did in the Fields of Prosperity.  And here's the thing:

I don't like the Valley, but I love the precious stones I found there.

I don't like the ugly of life, but I love the beautiful He makes from it.

I don't like the hard pathway, but I love His gentle leading.

And these seasons?  These different places we walk through?  They are not signs of having gotten life right or wrong.  They are just a part of the journey and in each season is opportunity to learn and grow.

The Foothills are where I found myself this morning.  It's lovely here.  Fresh breeze, growing seeds, hope filled endless skies of possibilities.  I stopped and plucked a piece of fruit from a promising tree, I stopped before taking a bite and discovered a small spot, a blemish, one that I didn't want to ingest. 

Because, even here, in a place that feels easier, I don't want to become self reliant.  I don't want to be in control.  I don't want to give into that small, sly temptation  that asks me to rest in myself and my own strength.  The only place I want to be, no matter the season or the path, is resting in Him and fully relying on Him in and through everything.

Love......

Life is filled with pain.  In fact, I've been promised there will be many trials.  I shouldn't be surprised.  Pain is a part of this world.  And, as I sat talking to God about a painful situation in my life this morning, telling Him about why it hurt....laying it all out for Him to see.  (It's one of the things I love about Him most....He can handle me) I asked Him what my response to this pain should be.  Because, the pain hurts and the feelings are real, but I still have a choice in how I choose to respond.  His response came quick.  My heart rolled its eyes cause it already knew the answer.  Not unlike my children rolling their eyes at me when I give them the same response I've given to them a million and one times about an issue they have.  And while my response doesn't change.....well, not very often.  God's response NEVER changes. He said the same thing to me He has said before:  LOVE.

Love is the response to pain.  And I felt a need to write it down.  Lest I forget, the next time I hurt, which will probably be tomorrow or maybe even an hour from now, because I need to remember:  LOVE.

There is a great scripture about Love in 1 Corinthians 13.  I know it well.  This is the rendition I began to hear in my head:

Love listens.  Love doesn't need to defend, because Love knows who the great Defender is.  Love pushes forward and towards and Never pulls away.  Love accepts the situation, knowing if change needs to come, it comes through the Heart, gentle conviction, and intimacy of moments with God.   Love feels no need to talk itself up, because it knows who it belongs too.  Love expects nothing in return.  Love doesn't perform.  Love patiently waits.  Love encourages and walks beside even through the pit.  Love is never afraid of the ugly because it is for these very things, the ugly and the mess, that Love came.

It all comes down to love.  Love is my response to every painful situation in this world.  Because out of everything else in this world.....Love is the only thing that remains.  It is steadfast and never changing, because Love is God.  It is an expression of His very Heartbeat.  It is unchangeable, everlasting, and cannot be destroyed.  It is His response to a broken world.  It is His response to me.  It is His response to my brokenness.  Love came to restore the broken and to heal the pain.  He came to bring back to life relationship between us and Him.  Why?  Because it is relationship with Perfect Love that binds up all that pain, brings peace in the middle of storms, and protects hearts, minds, and souls.

So my response to pain?  Love, His love.  As He has freely given to me, so I can freely give.  This I need to remember in the moments when pain hits and I feel like defending, retaliating, puffing myself up and withdrawing into my cocoon of safety.  His response to me is always caught up in that one little word:  LOVE.

Box Dweller

I am a box dweller.  For those of you who also dwell in boxes, you probably already understand what I mean.  I like my box.  It is filled with safe things.  Things like routines, lists, and just the right amount of people.  Inside of my box, each part of my life is categorized and neatly filed.  Inside of my box, everything makes sense.  Inside of my box, I define grace and blessings.  Inside of my box, is also God, held securely in my arms.  I feel safe there and at peace.

However, over the last couple of years, God began moving, stretching, and no matter what I did, He began to escape the safety of my arms and my box.  He began to lift off the lid, cut holes in the four walls....I tried everything to bring Him back into compliance with what I understood and with what made sense to me.  The more I tried to bring Him back to what felt like safety, the more frustrated, angry, anxious, and fear filled I became.  What if He completely escaped?  What if He started doing things that didn't make sense or line up with my understanding of who He is?  What if He started riffling through my files, messing with my routine, and rewriting my lists?  Worse yet, what if He left me without a list?  What if He left me with no direction?  What if He left me all together?

It turns out, God doesn't live in boxes or the safety of my arms.  Turns out, while He is a God of order, He is not a God ruled by my definitions, my lists, or my order.  Turns out, God is shapeless, yet perfect.  Right when I think I have Him figured out, He shows me another aspect of Himself....one I don't have a category for.  One that I can't find a place to file.  Turns out, in order to answer the deepest cries of my heart for a steadfast and immovable faith, which I prayed fervently for and meant with every fiber of my being, He had to move out of the safety of my box, reveal Himself to me in a new way.....He had to turn my filing cabinet on end and shake everything out.  He had to lift off the lid of my box and step out.  And then He did the unthinkable, He flipped my box upside down and He shook me out.

What felt like silent chaos and circumstances that filled me with anxiety and fear and messed with my understanding of Him (A Good, Good Father who worked all things out for good, who answered my every prayer in my way and my timing, who delivered to me every desire of my heart and brought ease to my life, who danced with me through flourishing meadows, who blessed me with many blessings that were happy and joy filled) actually was the beginning of the answer to my prayer.  I had prayed it, in my box, not understanding what it meant to be given unmovable, unshakable faith. Not understanding that asking for deep faith, to be led out upon unknown water and declaring to Him that He can take everything from me, even my friends and my comforts and I would still love Him because He was all I needed, would require a shaking up of my box.  It would require me to release God to be God.  It would require me to step out of the box myself and since I was hanging on so tightly, it required Him to shake me out.

Before I found myself shaken out, I defined blessings as things and circumstances.  I heard it from others and I spoke it myself.  The air was filled with the blessings of God for those who loved Him and were called according to His purpose.

"God blessed us with this job!'
"Look how God worked, He blessed us with the perfect house."
"What a blessing, we did exactly what God called us to do, and now look!  He is blessing the work of our hands!"
"God blessed us financially."
"God has blessed us with good health!"
"God has blessed us with the desire of our hearts!"

As God began to stretch out from my protective arms, undo my order, lift off the lid, step outside of the box, tip it upside down and shake, leaving me disheveled, confused, and scared as I unceremoniously and ungracefully fell to the ground.....leaving me with questions, leaving me anxious, leaving me scared, leaving me without direction.....He began preparing me to begin to understand His strength, His unfailing love, His grace, His blessing.

He had to step out and shake me out of my comfort in order to grab my attention.  If He hadn't, I would still be sitting in my box, holding Him tightly in my arms, filing my life away in neat categories and missing out on one of the most painful yet life giving experiences of my life.

On the outside of the box, I found myself sitting uncomfortably in a place unknown.  I watched as comforts I had relied on, little by little, began to leave the control I once held on them.  I watched opportunities I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I had been called to crumble.  In fact, I often felt like, no matter what I put my hand to would soon die instead of flourish.  I walked up to open doors knowing I had been told to walk through them....only to get there and experience the door slammed right back in my face.  Not just shut, but dead bolted.  I watched as relationships struggled, finances get messed with, illness hit, desires went unfulfilled, dreams flew away....and it all happened as I tried my hardest to pick myself up, reorganize my upset box, stuff God back in, put myself back in and secure Him back into my arms.

The more I tried, the more frustrated I became.  Frustration turned to fear and anxiety.  Fear and anxiety gave way to anger.  Anger gave way to feeling like God had abandoned me and that I was not good enough, not chosen (an age old lie I already believed but had tucked away in one of my files).  I watched as others received their blessings, their dreams, open doors to ministry opportunity....

And here I was without.  What had I done?  Had I sinned?  Was there hidden sin?  Had I misheard God and taken a path I wasn't supposed to?  Was He disciplining me?  I had tried so hard and done my best to be a good child, to be faithful, to do EVERTHING He asked of me.....why was I receiving this instead of reward?  Instead of blessing?  Instead of being given more to be faithful with?

Hands were flung up into the air demanding answers, but I often was met with silence.  Like a two year old child, I threw myself to the ground, stomped my feet, beat my hands against His chest, screamed at Him and cried.  I became exhausted and overcome with depression and dark oppression.

It was during this time, in ways I didn't understand, that God began revealing truth to me.

He showed me in order to overcome the darkness, I must allow Him to fight for me.  He showed me how I was trying to fight in His God sized armor a fight that was too big for me.  The armor wasn't for me to fight in (it was too big and heavy), the armor was to protect me in the midst of the battle while He fought for me.  He taught me my job was to stand.  On my own strength I could not defeat this enemy.  It was only by God's strength, His wounds, and His stripes that the battle would be won and the enemy defeated and I would find healing.

He revealed, along with standing in His protective armor and allowing Him to fight, one of my greatest assets was praise.  Praise in the midst of battle....arms lifted high, declaring who He is should be on the front lines.

He taught me, standing alone, without fellow sisters in Christ standing with me, is a detriment to me. In the middle of the fight, even protected in the armor, my raised arms can become heavy.  They want to fall, but when surrounded, like Moses was by Aaron and Hur, they can help lift up my weary arms through prayer.  It's what sisters are for.  I am forever thankful for each Aaron and Hur God has sent my way.  I prayer I can do likewise.

He began to reveal to me blessings are not measured by circumstances or things.  His blessings are like His grace.  It is free and it is freely offered.  I don't have to do anything to get it.  To be blessed by God has nothing to do with my obedience or disobedience... I have His blessing simply because I am His.  His blessing is that warm hug He gives to me as He says, I am pleased with you......Because You are mine.

Quietly, as He shook up my box and shook me out, He was giving me the best gift He could ever have given me.  An opportunity to begin to realize, my box was not a safe place to be.  I didn't belong there with my false sense of security and safety, with my perfectly filed categories, with my definition of Him, with my "blessings" piled up around me carefully grooming it all, taking good care of it, doing all the right things so they would stay put.  I belonged out in the open spaces.  I belonged safely tucked in His arms.  I belonged resting in Him and not on my "blessings".

Circumstances and things, they are just earthly rubble.  Someday, they will be burnt up.  All my works, all my ministry, all my things.....If I am not resting in Him, snuggled deeply into His arms, are all for nothing.

It is for this reason I can learn to begin to give thanks in ALL circumstances.  Because, in every circumstance, I am still in Him.  It is right to give thanks for the happy in life.  It is also right to give thanks in the ugly.  Because, In Him, He has promised me this hope.....

"All things work together (in synergy as a companion in labor, a work fellow, a partner) for good ( a benefit, useful and upright) for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose in Christ Jesus."  (Romans 8)

Nothing is wasted.  That is the hope.  All those earthly circumstances and things, whether deemed by me as good or bad, broken, painful, joyful....all of them will be used for my benefit.  They will be useful.  They will be upright.  In that and for that reason, I can give thanks for the good, the beautiful, the joy filled things as well as, the bad, the ugly, and the painful.  In fact, He is teaching me, that it is through the pain that I receive the greater gift.....more of Him.  In the pain, I snuggle down deeper into those great Galilean arms.

In His arms and in Him lies this other, most beautiful hope....

"The Lord shall preserve (keep watch, put a hedge around, shepherd) thee from evil (brokenness).  He shall preserve (keep watch, put a hedge around, shepherd) thy soul." (Psalm 121)

Hmmmm........It's like a breath of fresh air rushing in after living in a musty, dank, and dark place.  All those circumstances and things?  He won't allow me to come through them broken.  My soul, the very essence of who I am, will be shepherded, will be protected.

All those circumstances and things?  Good or Bad.  They can no longer define whether or not I am blessed.  They can no longer harm me or give me a false sense of safety.  Because.....

"neither death, no life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, not things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of god, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8)

And

"What then shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who is against us?"  (Romans 8)

Circumstances and things no longer can hurt me, be used against me or give me a false sense of security.  I am learning to rejoice in both.  I still dream, but I leave those dreams with Jesus.  I still hope, but not in things.  I hope in Him.

Inside of my box, I held Him in my arms.  He was safe there.  I understood Him there.  Inside of my box, I categorized and filed, kept things neat and orderly and I controlled things.  Inside of my box, I heaped around me good circumstances and things.  I counted them as blessings and I sat on them falsely secure on my mountaintop of happy.  I depended on them to remind me of  how good I was, how good I did, how chosen and acceptable I was.  They were proof....they were the "blessings" bestowed on me because of my goodness.  Inside of my box, I became accustomed to darkness, breathing in musty and dank air.

BUT GLORY.....

God didn't stay safe in my arms.  He stepped out.  Shook me loose.  Turned me upside down and dumped me out.

Outside of my box, He holds me securely in His arms.  I am safe there.  Outside of my box, I do not categorize nor do I file.  He controls things.  Outside of my box, He is my blessing and I am blessed because I rest in Him and because I am His.  Outside of my box, I am chosen and acceptable, not because of what I have done, but because of what He has done.  Outside of my box, I blink hard in brightness I have never experienced before as my eyes become accustomed to the light of the Son and I breathe......I breathe deeply of His fragrance, His air.  It is refreshing.

I am so thankful He loved me enough to shake me loose.  I am so thankful for the journey.  It hurt, but I can't regret it.  I am thankful for His answered prayer to giving me deeper faith and more of Him.  I am learning, His answers often don't come in pretty packages, tied up with bows.....it is the cost of the gift and it's ugly wrapping that allows us to better understand the value of the gold inside.

It is with this answered prayer that I can now say:

I AM BLESSED!

Remembrance.....

I have spent a good portion of the last couple of years living in fear.  This morning, as I spent time in prayer, I felt fear hover.  It's hard to pray in faith when fear is sitting beside you.  Fear has been a constant companion, immobilizing me.  I let it in and fostered it, because it made sense.  It agreed with my circumstances.  Prayers had been answered with a resounding "NO!" and fear whispered, "See, He doesn't want good for you."  Fear began to cripple my prayer life.  I became afraid to ask for anything.  Instead, I just asked for His will.  There is nothing wrong with that, except the motivation behind it was fear.

This morning, as I thought back over the most recent years, the situations in which I felt helpless, the times that I still said, "God, I need this!  Our family needs this!"  I see that He was still answering.  There were a lot of  emphatic No's and I still do not understand the reason for all of them.  There is still pain attached to those answers.  They don't all make sense to me.  But today, as I remembered His faithfulness even through dark days, even when the answers felt less than loving, when the answers were not what I had in mind when I voiced the prayer.....I decided NO MORE!  It's time to not respond out of fear anymore.  It's time to look fear in the face and say,

You are no longer welcome here!

Today I will remember, His goodness even in the valley.  I will remember a No is still an answer.  I will remember, the lessons forged in the darkest part of the night are worth more than a Yes in the land of plenty.  They are worth more than a thousand dreams coming true.  I will no longer allow fear to hold me captive, to keep my prayers bottled up inside of me, or to whisper to me, "He is a good good Father to others, but not for you.  So don't even bother asking."

I will remember, because:

Without fear, I can boldly enter the throne room and lay down my desires, my needs, my requests, my wants.  I understand now, that even if the answer continues to be No, it's ok.  It doesn't mean His love is absent.  It doesn't mean I have sinned.  It doesn't mean He has left me alone.  It doesn't mean He isn't a good, good father to me.  

It means, His ways are higher than my ways.  It means, He sees a bigger picture than I can.  It means He has something else in store for me.

At first, I have held onto the truth loosely, grasping desperately for hope, because if I didn't hold onto it a little, then I had nothing to hold onto and I didn't want to free fall.  I've done that before and it's not fun.  But this morning, I'm no longer holding onto hope because I fear the fall.  I'm holding onto hope because inside of it lies truth.  Because I can trust beauty to be revealed in any and every situation.  I can trust the hand of my Father, even when His answers do not line up with my desire, my vision......

Today I declare, I will no longer fear.  I will boldly enter His throne room.  Laying down my heart at His feet, and trusting, no matter what the answer is, He loves me.  He has good for me and no matter what He allows me to go through, no matter the amount of pain attached to it, in the end, it will hold promise and goodness for me.  Today, I praise Him for the valley.  Today, I praise Him for the pain.  Today, I praise Him for the resounding NO's that have left me confused, angry, and jaded.  I praise Him, because He is good!  He is faithful!  He is full of love EVEN in the middle of dark valleys.  My location may change from standing on mountain tops, to living in the land of goodness and plenty, to feeling my way through dark valleys, BUT my present location and circumstance NEVER changes Him.  Through it all, He will never change.  That is a truth I can firmly stand on.

I write this, as a reminder, so that the next No doesn't leave me reeling.  I write this, as a reminder, that in the remaining time I have in a valley full of uncertainty, unknown pathways, unanswered questions and the ability to only see the next step in front of me (and sometimes not even that), that He is still faithful and because of His faithfulness I do not need to live in fear!

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you art with me.  Your rod and your staff they comfort me."

Psalm 23

In the Waiting, I Waited

Psalm 40 seemed to fall into my lap earlier this week.  I received a random text from a group or a person I had never heard of before and looking back through my text messages.....I can't find it.  However, on that text were these beautiful words which felt like they had been penned by King David himself just for me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry."

So simple, yet so powerful and spoken into a time in my life where I have felt forsaken and forgotten, confused and very alone.

I took the time to read all of Psalm 40 and was blown away by how it reached into my situation.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry"

In Hebrew "I waited" translates to "in Waiting, I waited".  Oh how this spoke to my heart.  In the waiting, I have waited some more.  I have been there.  It's waiting double time. I, in no way, can claim I have waited well.  I have not, but I understand that feeling.  Not to minimize how it has felt, but it reminds me of a doctors office.  It is not uncommon, after I have signed in, that I take a seat in the waiting room and wait, sometimes for a while.  I find this waiting time annoying depending on its length of time, but it isn't terrible because I am in a waiting room and that is what I'm supposed to be doing there.  After awhile, I hear my name called and I head back with the nurse, do the dreaded weigh in, have them check my vitals:

to make sure I'm still alive after waiting for so long

and they lead me to the examination room.  They ask the usual questions and hand me a gown. I change and try to get comfortable sitting on a paper covered exam table

.....and here is where I wait some more. 

This is the place that the waiting becomes the hardest.  This time it isn't in a waiting room (where I'm supposed to wait), but in an examination room where something is supposed to be taking place. I'm often uncomfortable and a little cold, I wait within the waiting.  It's where I often feel my patience grow thin because I do not wait well. 

It is where I have felt myself in life for awhile, in the proverbial exam room of life and so the words "waiting in the waiting" resonated with my soul.  It has been a place, where over time, I have lost hope, I have stopped dreaming, and have become jaded.  But as I saw this verse pop up in a text message, my Father said to me:

"Melody, I have heard you"

I kept reading-

"He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet up on a rock, and established my goings."

A miry pit is a perfect description of how I have felt....and the Hebrew for the word "horrible"?  Well, that just cemented it even more.  It translates into "a pit of noise".  Oppressive thoughts are like that.  It's a noisy cacophony of thoughts parading through my mind, holding me captive.  It's confusion.  I simply want to cover my ears and run away, but when it is in my own head, it becomes hard to escape.  But here, in these precious verses, I read a promise:

"Melody, there is hope.  I will not leave you here forever.  I will pull you up out of the noisy pit.  I will set you on a solid rock and I will make clear where you are headed."

These are words that spoke life into my dry soul.

"And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God:  many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

A new song.  More refreshment poured over me as I read verse three.  A new song in a heart that for awhile has found it difficult to sing.  Hard to sing songs that declare to be called "out upon the water, the great unknown, where feet may fail"  and "I surrender, Lord have your way with me" because I am beginning to realize the answer to those prayers are found at the end of myself and in dark valleys.  It is the only place to find unshakable faith.  It is where my faith began to shake and crumble, offering an opportunity for me to look long and hard at my choice to stay with Him.  A choice I made in the darkness.  Where I answered the question and said, 

"Yes Lord, even through all this Hard, I still want you.  I need you."

This opportunity eluded me until everything I was placing my hope in started to fall away.  It's a painful place.  It's scary.  It is unknown.  My feet have failed.  Surrendering all sounded beautiful, until I had to start giving away the things I rested comfortably in.  It has taken me to a place where it has became hard to continue to sing.  Not because my heart doesn't still desire more of Him, but because I have become tired and I know where prayers sung like that can take me.  But reading this verse, offered me a promise.  My name is Melody Joy.  A joyful song.  And I can tell you that has not been reality for me.  It's been more of a dirge.  As I read these words, even as I type, I hear Him say:

"Song, I will make you into a new song, a new Melody.  I will change your dirge into a joyful celebration that others will see and it will lead them to trust in Me."

Hope, written on pages that were penned thousands of years ago, before I was even thought of and yet, they sounded like they had been written just for me.

And then verse 4.

"Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies."

Trusting is the very thing I have stopped doing, cause let's be honest, I have doubted a lot lately.  I have doubted whether He still has good for me, because the journey has felt hard, it has not been fun.  But this verse says:

"Melody, you will be blessed when you trust me, pay no attention to what you see going on around you, and stop listening to the lies of the enemy."

This is truth which I know, but it has been hard getting it from my head to my heart.  Because the lies and the distractions of this life are easier to grab a hold of.  They feel real.  They agree with how I perceive the reality of life that I am living in.   God's steadfast truth sometimes feels like the opposite of what I am experiencing.  It makes it harder to grasp because I like logic and things that make sense.  But isn't that what faith and trust are?  Holding onto the unseen....knowing that even though I can't feel it, it is still there, it is still true?

Chapter 40 continues:

"Many, O Lord my God, are they wonderful works which thou has done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward:  they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee:  if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered."

Praise.  There is praise in the middle of it all.  Praise and remembrance over the things He has already done.  It is never good to stay in the past, but sometimes it is beneficial to step back and remember and see and give thanks for what has already been accomplished.  To recall where you have come from.  To remember and to hold onto all of His thoughts and to dwell in awe of all of His promises towards me.  Promises that are so many, even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to catch them all. It reminds me of a clear moonlit night when I can see all of the stars.  I can begin to try to count them all and gather them to myself, but I can't possibly number them all.  There are too many.  So instead, I look, gazing at the beautiful sky, sitting in awe of its vastness, too big to comprehend, and allow it's beauty to simply envelope me like a warm down comforter.  His promises are like that.  The truth of this is sinking into my heart as I type these words.  Oh that I remember this in times of struggle! I can try to count and gather all of His thoughts towards me, number all of His blessings, but I can't. There are too many!  Instead, I can look, gazing at His beauty, sitting in awe of His vastness and all of His promises and thoughts towards me, and; even though they are too big to comprehend, I can allow their beauty to envelope me.   And He says to me:

"Melody, remember and see what I have already done in your life.  Look at where you have come from.  It's not over yet, AND; I'M NOT FINISHED EITHER.  Praise me and worship me and know, I have a plan and a purpose in and through all of this.  I have brought you through before, and I will bring you through again.  My thoughts, my promises, my love for you, let them soak into your heart like a gentle rain."

"Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened;  burnt offering and sin offering has thou not required."

In the Message, it is written like this:

"Doing something for you, bringing something to you, that's not what you're after.  Being religious, acting pious, that's not what you're asking for.  You've opened my ears so I can listen.  So I answered, 'I'm coming.  I read in your letter what you wrote about me, And I'm coming to the party you're throwing for me.  That's when God's Word entered my life, became part of my very being.'"

I chuckle as I read this.  I'm a doer.  You tell me what you expect and what you need me to do and I will go after it.  I will give it 110%.  I will pour myself, all of me into it.  One of the lies I have believed is that relationship is born out of doing, performing.....the better done, the better accomplished, the better performed.....the greater reward and the more acceptance I will receive.  I didn't realize this until right now, but the nasty truth, is my people pleasing tendency has tainted the call on my life to serve.  I know I have been called to serve, but because I allowed acceptance from other people to become a louder voice in my ear than the voice of my Father who has

Already accepted me,

I have gotten terribly distracted!  A couple of months ago, I felt God ask me, 

"What is the passion of your heart?"  

I answered and said, "Worship, service, and outreach".  

His response?  

"Good!  Those are the things I have called you too.  Anything else, done for any motive other than to walk in fellowship for me, is a distraction and a misuse of your time and energy.

If I haven't called you to it, you don't have to do it."  

The lies have taken me away from the truth of His acceptance.  They have focused my attention on whether or not others accept me and have distracted me from fulfilling His calling on my life.  How crafty the great deceiver is.  The lies have left me at a place in which, if given nothing to do by people, I feel lost.  I feel out of relationship.  I feel unaccepted.  And here, my Jesus speaks right into this.  He opens up my ears to hear Him loud and clear.  In fact, in the Hebrew the word "opened" is translated as digs.  He digs my ears open so I can clearly hear His invitation to me.  He says to me:

"Melody, I do not need you to do anything for me in order for you to receive my acceptance.  There are no hurtles for you to jump through.  Your performance or accomplishments, your ability to do, your achievements, your sacrifice....it's not what I am after, it is not what promises my relationship with you.  My relationship with you was promised to you, not by your doing, but by my Sons' doing.  All I require is YOU.  Just You with a heart that desires Me.  I have placed inside of you passions which naturally pour out of you.  Pursue these things!  I have given them to you for your enjoyment.  They are yours to do WITH Me, for us to pursue together out of relationship, not to gain relationship.  They are to be accomplished for the purpose of infecting the world with My love."

He wants me.  It's that simple.  No strings attached.  He just wants me, just the way I am, entering into fellowship and relationship with Him on a journey together.  As I reread this, I see a ray of sunshine and feel a touch of His warmth, I can see Him smile gently....All He has ever wanted was relationship with His creation....just as He made me.  To do life with me, together, joined in a common mission, using the gifts He gave me, powered by His strength, to show the world His love.

Psalm 40 continues:

"I've preached you to the whole congregation, I've kept back nothing, God, you know that.  I didn't keep the news of your ways a secret, didn't keep it to myself.  I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.  I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth for myself alone.  I told it all, let the congregation know the whole story."

Proclaim.  I must proclaim the truth of God, who He is, what He has done. I must not keep it to myself.  I have always known this, however; it has been a struggle to continue to do.  When I know His answers and my head knows the truth, but my heart and spirit lag behind and continue to struggle, it is hard to proclaim the truth of God.  Hard because my lips don't want to quite move since my words don't line up with how I feel and yet, I'm compelled to speak!  All the while fighting off thoughts that if I speak them, I will be a hypocrite in my own eyes and in the eyes of those listening to me.  I know my struggles intimately.  I know my imperfection.  I know, more often than not, when I proclaim in the middle of the storm or in the middle of victory, God ALWAYS gives me opportunity shortly after to walk out the proclamation. And, more often than not, given the opportunity to walk it out, I stumble and fall for everyone to see.  I usually feel like an epic failure, hypocritical and like a piece of dirt.  I am not positive where David was at in his own walk when he wrote these words.  I don't know if, in his proclamation, he struggled like I have and still do. Whether or not his heart had caught up to the truth.  Whether or not he struggled with feeling like a hypocrite. Even writing today, I have struggled with whether or not to share this publicly, because I still know my short comings, my imperfection, my inability and my propensity for failure.  I do know, though; David was far from perfect.  David had many struggles.  David failed many times and very publicly. I know David paid a steep price for his failings and yet

David still proclaimed

I hear my my Father whisper to my heart:

"Sweet, sweet daughter.  Never stop proclaiming the truth.  When I tell you to speak, never stay quiet.  Proclaim the truth of Me.  The things I teach you, are not just for you, they are for everyone.  Do not keep them to yourself.  Be an open book.  Let the whole story of who I am never stay hidden inside of you.  Your imperfection and your failures do not change the truth of who I am.  My truth remains the same.  My truth is not dependent on your ability to walk them out perfectly.  If that were the case, there would be no hope.  I Am the hope of this world and I use broken vessels, just like you, to share the truth of who I am.  Remember, the treasure of who I am lies in jars of clay in order to show my power through my people who are common and ordinary.  It's not your ability, strength, or perfection that gives validity to My truth.  It is My strength THROUGH your inability, THROUGH your weakness, and THROUGH your imperfection which proclaims loudly who I am and validates My truth."

It humbles me.  How easy it is to think that somehow the proof of who He is lies in and on my goodness. How silly of me to carry that weight, to try to strip His power from Him and haul it around on my shoulders.  For me to proclaim who He is and what He is doing in the storm and in the valley, when my heart and my walk have yet to catch up with my mind, reminds me of the many times in my marriage in which I have proclaimed,

"I love you"

and

"I forgive you"

to my husband before I actually believed it, felt it, or walked it out well.  I have often heard in relationships, I must  proclaim the truth even when I don't believe it, even when I don't feel it, and even when I am incapable of walking it out.  I have been told the feelings follow the action of the proclamation.  The truth of my love for my husband and the ability to forgive him remains the same despite me.  God's truth remains the same despite me.  His truth NEVER changes.  If I was a perfect vessel, it would be my perfection and my ability others would see.  I would be the focus.  But, through my brokenness, He becomes the focus.  It leaves me in a place of humble supplication:

"Oh God, use me despite myself.  Use my imperfection, my inability, and my weakness to declare your power, your truth, and your strength."

Verses 11-12:

"Now God, don't hold out on me, don't hold back your passion.  Your love and truth are all that keeps me together.  When troubles ganged up on me, a mob of sins past counting, I was so swamped by guilt I couldn't see my way clear.  More guilt in my heart than hair on my head, so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out."

The cry of my heart.  God don't hold out on me.  When I have been heavily trampled by the lies of Satan, guilty for listening to him instead of my Heavenly Father, no longer able to think rationally, my heart giving out.....  This is why I smile.  Even David, after praising God for hearing him, for saving him, for digging out his ears and proclaiming loudly the goodness of who God was, after blessing God and praising Him for all His goodness, he is still here pleading with God not to hold out on him forever.  I smile, because I can relate.  How many times I have walked the same path.  I cry out to God.  He hears me.  He saves me from the pit of trouble.  I stand in awe of who He is and praise Him for it.  In trouble and out of trouble, declaring and proclaiming who He is whether I always believe it or not or walk it out perfectly.  I find myself right back at the start.....crying out for deliverance.  In the Amplified version is reads:

"O Lord; let your loving-kindness and Your truth continually preserve me!"

The truth of who God is.  Made evident through my weakness.  May it save me.  His loving-kindness. Whether I feel it or believe it.  May it save me.

Verses 13-15:

"Soften up, God, and intervene;  hurry and get me some help, So those who are trying to kidnap my soul will be embarrassed and lose face, so anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable will be heckled and disgraced, so those who pray for my ruin will be booed and jeered without mercy."

The lament continues.  Put the enemy to shame.  Please reach down your hand, in the middle of my circumstances, and make a way.  And I see the irony.  Again crying out for what has already been accomplished through the Blood of the Lamb on Calvary.  My Father has already overcome the great deceiver and the enemy of my soul.  I hear the cry of David.  Father, fight this battle for me.  

And I hear Him say: 

"I have rescued you.  I have saved you.  The circumstances of this life are not a measuring stick of My blessing on your life.  Do not allow circumstances to continue to distract you.  My blessing is not defined by circumstantial earthly things.  My blessing on your life is defined by My praise of who you are in Me.  I rejoice over you with singing!  You have My blessing in prosperity, on the mountain top, in the land of plenty, as well as; in want, in the valley, and in the desert of need.  My blessing doesn't change based on the circumstances of your life.  Circumstances are momentary.  They are not eternal.    Whether you feel like it or not, you have already been rescued and the battles you continue to face......oh dear child.  Rest.  I never intended for you to fight them.  It is My battle.  I will fight valiantly for you and trample down your adversary.  Dress yourself in My armor and then stand.  I will fight for you."

And the last part of this beautiful Psalm, makes me laugh:

"But all who are hunting for you, oh let them sing and be happy.  Let those who know what you're all about tell the world you're great and not quitting.  And me?  I'm a mess.  I'm nothing and have nothing:  make something of me.  You can do it;  you've got what it takes, but God, don't put it off."

I laugh because I see myself in this prayer.  I see myself in the craziness of King David.  I laugh because it's true.  David's desire is for others to seek and find God.  To rejoice in God's love and His salvation.  And, yet, David still sets himself apart from this group of people.  He says:

"but as for me?  I'm a hot mess.  I'm not worth a whole lot, but please use me anyway.  I know you can do it.  I have this hope, just don't take too long." (my paraphrase)

And that is where I often find myself at the end of it all.  My desire is for others to find God, to rejoice in who He is and what He has done.  Reveling in the truth that He is not finished yet. Knowing he will not quit.  And yet, I set myself apart from this group.  The hot mess that I am. Fickle to a fault. Imperfect.  Filled with worry and fret.  Knowing the truth, but still waiting for my heart to catch up. Still trying to fight my battles in God sized armor instead of standing still and allowing Him to fight for me.  Wearing myself out till I am faint and beaten down.  Offering my brokenness before my heavenly Father, knowing who He is and what He is capable of.  Hanging onto this hope and asking Him to please not take too long to do something with this mess I have to give to Him.

I see Him smile at my self-pity and He says:

"Stop setting yourself apart.  You are ok.  Yes, I am still working in you, changing you into the likeness of who I am and sometimes it's messy.....but don't allow your mess to cloud your vision and become your focus.  Include yourself in the joy of who I am, because; I'm not doing anything in you that I am not doing in others.  You are not less than!  You have found Me!  I am not hiding from you.  Rejoice!  There is no "them" and "you".  There is no elite club you have somehow missed out on.  Rejoice!  Knowing full well that I am your everything, in every circumstance of life.  You have been sitting on the sidelines for far too long.  Watching.  Learning.  Listening.  It's time to head back into the game of Joy and not just for a moment like you often do, but for a lifetime.  You play for a bit, but then you get distracted by the other players.  You try playing their position.  You get worn out and retreat back to the sidelines....confused, tired, beat down and frustrated.  And when it is time for you to play the defensive, you try to run your own game plan instead of Mine.  It wears you out every time.  I didn't ask you to plan the game.  I didn't expect it from you either.  I will plan the game.  All you have to do is stand firm in the plan I have set before you, knowing you can stand firm, because I have already won the game."

He has already won.

I do not share these things feeling I have all the answers or as an expected encouragement to others, though if my mess encourages someone then praise be to God.  This is far from, "Look at what God is teaching me.  Look at what I'm going to apply, I encourage you to do this same."  It is simply a proclamation of truth. It is a humble challenge to myself.  It is a word of encouragement from the very Heart of God spoken into my worn out soul.  I hear His challenge.  I receive His encouragement. I feel a spark of excitement.  I'm listening to His truth, and if you have made it this far:

First of all, God bless you for sticking through a long winded blog which captures a working out of God's truth in my life

Secondly, I ask you to stand with me.  Remind me of these truths often.  I can promise you now, I am very forgetful and I say that in all seriousness.  I know full well, as I post this and proclaim His truth over myself, I will be given more opportunity to put His truth into practice.  When given the opportunity to practice, I usually fail, because I forget the truth.  I forget the lesson.  It takes countless tries for me to start to grasp His technique.  In all honesty, I do not look forward to it.  I'm tired.  But, I want to keep practicing, because I want more of Him.  I want more of His power and more of His strength to shine through me allowing an opportunity for me to join together with Him in pursuit of the passions He has laid upon my heart, to use wisely the gifts and tools He has given to me to fulfill those passions for His glory in order to infect this world with His love.  I ask you to stand with me because I am realizing I need help. I need support in raising worn out arms up in praise.  I need help in remembering His truth.  I need encouragement to stand back up when I fall, to try again,  and to keep practicing.  

Thank you

Today I Choose to Live Again

This morning weighed heavy on me.....like so many mornings have over the last 18 months.  You know you are carrying a heavy weight,

one you have laid down

over

and

over again

one

you pick up

without

realizing it,

when a simple Swedish Massage brings you to tears and not because the massage therapist is pushing to hard, but because you mention that it hurts a bit and she responds with a question

"have you been stressed?"

And before you know it, tears well up in your eyes, your breathe catches in your throat and

you swallow the sob

thankful for a raspy, chest cold voice

that disguises the catch in your response, trying to flippantly respond, with

"yes, for about the last two years"

That was yesterday.  Today dawned like normal.  The normal I have learned to adopt over the last while.  It is a normal of slowly dying simply because living might birth dreams.....and dreams have been dying left and right.  Dreaming again hurts.  Dreaming ushers in hope and hope deferred because of the death of dreams makes you sick.

       Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
                                                                 Proverbs 13:12

The slow process of death in my life has kept me from moving forward.  In fact it moved me backwards......back to a place I once was very familiar with.  A place of

Seclusion

Tiredness

and of deep Oppression.   These things shut me down.  Even, the normal things I love to do, have lost interest for me.  I am now afraid to dream.  Living has become a place of survival in which I thank God for my children......because without their need for me......I know I would have slipped farther away.  I've heard some say they don't understand Christians giving into these sorts of things....things that can lead to death emotionally, physically, spiritually.  I used to say that too.  But now I understand.

This morning, after the kids were at school, I drove home with a heavy feeling that has become annoyingly normal.  If I could have my way, I'd stay in bed all day, because the word that runs through my head is

"what's the point anyway."

Thankfully, there is always a little fight left in me.  It gets me up at least.  One I often use to engage my heavenly Father with in discussion.  His calling and wooing me back to him is the only thing that has kept me alive.  I'm thankful He continues to be stronger.  My "why" about the direction of the last two years is a question I am sure He has grown accustomed too.  I have learned to be bluntly honest with Him....He knows anyways.  I told Him

"i am trying, but today is hard.  being good is hard.  why?  just tell me why it had to go this way"

The answer is never quite what I want and today's answered proved to be the same.

"because I wanted to see if you would sing anyway."

"so this is all my fault?  all this because I failed to respond correctly?  why did you have to change things?  i liked how things were.  i was comfortable, safe.  happy.  dreaming with possibilities that were endless."

"no, it's not your fault.  but it was allowed to see if you would sing anyways."

"i don't want to sing."

"i know.  it's a choice.  will you choose to sing, will you choose to live again even when the circumstances are not what you desire?  today, is the opportunity to see if you can choose to sing."

"you know I don't feel safe and secure anymore, right?"

"i am your safety, I am your security......just look out the window.  look at what I have provided."

I looked.  He was right.  Even nature sings His praise, even in the midst of the death of fall.  It's beautiful.

I wiped my hands on a dish towel.....doing dishes was a step towards living this morning.  Seems little, but it's true.  I caught a glimpse of what it might feel like to dream, even if just a little.  Sounds simplistic, but dreaming right now would mean moving forward in the very little things

Making this current house a home and not just a shell I'm stuck in right now

Being thankful for the quiet beauty of a country road, falling leaves, resting pivots in harvested fields, and sunshine pouring through the picture window

Creating again, even though I emphatically reminded Him that I do not like what I have to create with.  He seemed to understand, but reminded me of a dear friend who had a gift of creating beauty simply out of what she had.

I picked up my phone to look up if transplanting mums is ok to do in the fall.  It's one of those little things that would bring me joy right now.  Rearranging the flower bed to look like mine...short flowers in front...tall flowers in back....it's been bugging me ever since the mums bloomed and the daisies died.  I can't see the mums very well.  Again, simple, silly, but in this tired heart, it's a breathe of life.  I was quickly distracted, as I often am, by a post I was tagged in with a song by Dara Maclean.  I listened.  It proclaimed

i am blameless

i am spotless

i am worthy

i am chosen

and

I AM HIS

This morning, no one was around, so the tears fell and I knew I had to declare that this morning

I Choose to Live Again

Even in the continued mess, the unanswered questions, the uncertainties of next spring

Even in the unanswered prayers and the shattered and crushed dreams

Even in the fear of dreaming again

Even in the pain of daring to hope again

That maybe, the things spoken, He will still bring to pass in His time

Those deep down soul desires that fail to fade even after years of not seeing them happen yet

Even through the doubt filled questions as I wonder whether I really heard Him whisper to my soul and give me a desire.....was that really Him or was it just my own idea?  The unfullfillment of the desire makes it easy to believe it wasn't Him....seems like confirmation, because if it was Him, why hasn't it happened yet.  Because I see Him fulfill the desires and dreams of those around me....So I might add.....

I choose to live again

Even in feeling forgotten

I will choose to live again.

Today, I choose to see the promise in today and to live out that promise to the best of my ability

I choose to accept His truth about me, whether I feel it or not

I choose to tap into His joy even though mine feels depleted

I choose to step forward even though I don't know what that next step means, where it will lead me

I choose to sing in triumph in the midst of defeat

I choose to live even though I am not sure how to dream anymore without fear

                                              Today I Choose to Live Again

Be Still....It's An Ongoing Theme

Over the last couple of days, ok lets be honest, the last couple of years, life has felt hard.  Like a storm.  Out of my control.  Filled with unknowns, fears, and circumstances I would have never chosen to walk through.  The cry of my heart, over the last year has been for rest.  I just want to rest.  The thought of running away to a private island in Tahiti has often been rather tempting.  Give me the sand, the oceans waves, and a little shade......sounds divine.  Yesterday, it dawned on me, something people have spoken to me but I haven't ever really been able to understand and something, that even now I am understanding but not completely grasping.  Rest, doesn't mean I cease activity, true rest comes from laying all those storms, all those cares, all those fears down and trusting Jesus to work them out.  It means I still live, I still breathe, I stop holding my breath.  And I've been holding my breath for a long time.....it that can cause you to spiritually and emotionally pass out.

This morning, in my prayer time, I again laid it down....I'm thinking this must be a daily thing, because each day the concerns and the cares of this life are still there when I open up my eyes in the morning.  As I prayed over my desires and my concerns, I saw Jesus saying to me...."Peace, be still."  It's when it hit me.  I am often the storm in my own life.  How my soul longs to rest, but my emotions and desire to control my life surround my soul with dark clouds, raging winds, and waves that look like they will drown me.  But there He is, speaking above the storm I often am and saying "Peace, be still."  I can't seem to get away from that...."Be Still"

Be Still.......about our housing situation.
Be Still.......about watching my sweet 14 year old, nearly 15 year old, beautiful daughter step out and navigate this growing older thing......Be Still as I hope and pray that her tender heart won't be broken
Be Still.......about being the mother of not just one, but two teenagers and watching that almost 13 year old boy look more and more like a man
Be Still.......about my deepest hearts desires that have not yet been brought to fruition, the ones I hold so dear to my heart, that seem so out of reach and impossible, but non the less, lay there, waiting to be birthed.....afraid to expectantly hope and yet burying them would be causing a bit of death to who He made me to be

Be Still.  Rest.  Trust.  Wait in Expectation. 

I look back at the last year, especially, and I believe this learning I am doing right now, though painful and frustrating to the point of tears and 37 year old fits, is beautiful.  I want all these things too.  I want to learn to wait in expectation filled with trust, while I rest quietly in His perfect timing.  I want to be that kind of woman, but I don't think I can be without going through all of this ugly frustration first.

Be Still.