Totally Abandoned

My husband and I recently attended a worship team retreat.  The focus of the retreat was focusing on who and why we worship.  It's not about us; it's about Him.  It is standing before others and leading them forward in worship and praise; leading them into the very throne room of God.  It's about living a life that oozes worship and points others to Him.  The retreat has really set me to pondering this, not that pondering is abnormal for me :)  I ponder a lot!  :D  It has changed the way I have begun to think about some of the things I do. 

In my devotional time this week, I found myself doing my typical prayer.

"God, what do you have for me today?   Speak to me and help me to see something I have never seen before.  Fill me up.  Cleanse me.  Search me."

There is nothing wrong with this prayer.  I desire all of those things.  However, yesterday as I prayed, I thought wait, this prayer is all about me.   All about what I want and feel that I need.  But, if true worship is all about Him.......Maybe my focus is off a bit.  Maybe reading the scripture is not about what I will get out of it or how I will feel when I get done......Maybe it is simply to redirect myself back to Him, my eyes completely on Him and not on an experience or a feeling.......Because all I desire I will find in Him, anyway.  Wow! 

My eyes completely fixed on Him; drowns out everything else.

Today, as I sat down again to read, I had to remind myself again, not me.....HIM.  And it brought me to this question of total and utter abandonment.  What does that mean?  To be totally abandoned to Christ?  What does it look like?  I often have a picture in my mind of people that I feel live a life of total abandonment.  They look like missionaries.  Speakers.  Preachers.  Evangelists.  They look like happy people, free to dance, not afraid of what others think.  Not me.  They have given their whole life to Him. 

But that isn't it, is it?  It's actually obedience.  Absolute obedience.  And what does that look like?  That is the beauty of it.  God asks each of us to be obedient to the specific area, specific calling, specific life He has given to each of us individually.  And since we are all different, abandonment to Christ, obedience to Christ, cannot necessarily be compared to someone else's obedience.  And yet, that is what I find myself doing ALL the time.  I like to take a snapshot of someone's life and say, "that is obedience and abandonment to Christ.  That is what I should look like too."  And then I strive and strain to measure up to that person, to live up to THEIR calling.  Talk about impossible and discouraging!  I can't ever reach the goal of making my life line up and look like someone else's life.  Sounds kind of absurd now that I really think about it. 

True abandonment, true obedience can only be found in what God has specifically called me to do.  In order to fulfill this calling, I must keep my eyes steadfast on Him.  Surrounding myself in Him.  Worshiping Him.  Listening to Him.  And obeying His voice.  It all comes back to Him.  I can't possibly be surrendered and abandoned if my eyes are fixed on the obedience of the one who sits next to me on the pew every Sunday morning.  No, it can only be found in Him.

The snapshot I take, needs to change.  Abandonment and complete surrender to Christ looks like.........CHRIST.  He is what I strive for and He is all I need.  In Him I will find rest from striving to try to become something or someone He has not asked me to be.  In Him, I will find direction for my paths.  In Him and through Him I will be given the strength I need to fulfill His will THROUGH my life.  He IS His will in my life.  It is not about what I become, but about what He becomes THROUGH me.  It's not what I look like, but what He looks like RADIATED through me. 

Talk about taking the pressure off to feel like I have to measure up, look like a certain thing, do things right, not let other's down or look like an utter failure.  Wow!  I hate seeing my fears on paper.  They are all kind of ugly.  But, it is these fears that have often ran my life, motivated me, and been my focus.  Hit the head right on the nail there, didn't I.  Ouch!  Fear and not love has been ruling this life.  It is time for it to stop.  Today, I choose to focus on HIM!