Over the last couple of days, ok lets be honest, the last couple of years, life has felt hard. Like a storm. Out of my control. Filled with unknowns, fears, and circumstances I would have never chosen to walk through. The cry of my heart, over the last year has been for rest. I just want to rest. The thought of running away to a private island in Tahiti has often been rather tempting. Give me the sand, the oceans waves, and a little shade......sounds divine. Yesterday, it dawned on me, something people have spoken to me but I haven't ever really been able to understand and something, that even now I am understanding but not completely grasping. Rest, doesn't mean I cease activity, true rest comes from laying all those storms, all those cares, all those fears down and trusting Jesus to work them out. It means I still live, I still breathe, I stop holding my breath. And I've been holding my breath for a long time.....it that can cause you to spiritually and emotionally pass out.
This morning, in my prayer time, I again laid it down....I'm thinking this must be a daily thing, because each day the concerns and the cares of this life are still there when I open up my eyes in the morning. As I prayed over my desires and my concerns, I saw Jesus saying to me...."Peace, be still." It's when it hit me. I am often the storm in my own life. How my soul longs to rest, but my emotions and desire to control my life surround my soul with dark clouds, raging winds, and waves that look like they will drown me. But there He is, speaking above the storm I often am and saying "Peace, be still." I can't seem to get away from that...."Be Still"
Be Still.......about our housing situation.
Be Still.......about watching my sweet 14 year old, nearly 15 year old, beautiful daughter step out and navigate this growing older thing......Be Still as I hope and pray that her tender heart won't be broken
Be Still.......about being the mother of not just one, but two teenagers and watching that almost 13 year old boy look more and more like a man
Be Still.......about my deepest hearts desires that have not yet been brought to fruition, the ones I hold so dear to my heart, that seem so out of reach and impossible, but non the less, lay there, waiting to be birthed.....afraid to expectantly hope and yet burying them would be causing a bit of death to who He made me to be
Be Still. Rest. Trust. Wait in Expectation.
I look back at the last year, especially, and I believe this learning I am doing right now, though painful and frustrating to the point of tears and 37 year old fits, is beautiful. I want all these things too. I want to learn to wait in expectation filled with trust, while I rest quietly in His perfect timing. I want to be that kind of woman, but I don't think I can be without going through all of this ugly frustration first.
Be Still.
