But, maybe, those aren't the true fruit of that tree. Maybe, those are the "sins" that are actually a distraction from the true fruit and the bigger issue.....self-reliance and of feeling we have our lives under control. It's more subtle than the "large sins" cause self-reliance is a good thing, having it all together is a sign of having arrived in the blessings of God because we've done well and we're finally being rewarded. Right?
After walking through a couple different seasons over the past 10 years; seasons I've name Fields of Prosperity and the Valley of Darkness, I think I might possibly be learning something. Looking back, I realize the Fields of Prosperity produced in me a lot of self-reliance. The Valley of Darkness, which in retrospect should be renamed the Valley of Grace and Restoration, produced the opposite. There I found myself in extreme need, all day, ever day, for a strength I did not possess. I found myself constantly leaning hard, heavy and ugly on Jesus.
This morning? Well, I noticed a change. I'm well out of the Valley and seemed to have traveled to the Foothills. There is hopeful scenery here;
something you loose sight of in the Valley
something you cling to so you don't die
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick"
something you only can imagine holding because it is no longer tangible and it takes faith the size of a mustard seed, tiny and difficult to find in the dark valley, to keep holding onto it.
The good thing about seeds is they grow. Tiny mustard seeds, even when meagerly tended, have a way of growing into a large plant. And, this morning, as I breathed in what felt like fresh air, looking at hopeful possibilities, and inhaling in the aroma of a field of mustard, a thought went through my head. A sigh, if you will,
"I'm back to being in control of my life."
And I stopped my deep inhale. And it dawned on me. Being in control causes self reliance and self reliance is the opposite of God-reliance. Though it sounds lovely, it's more like a pesticide being sprayed out on all that flourishing mustard. It's a sly thought. It looks promising, but it's riddled with death; just like the fruit Eve took a bite of. Self reliance is a false sense of hope. Having it all together isn't a sign of blessing because of obedience or having arrived to some spiritual nirvana. Self reliance is stepping away from resting in Him and I'm not sure that's a place I really want to be.
I've found more gems in the Valley than I ever did in the Fields of Prosperity. And here's the thing:
I don't like the Valley, but I love the precious stones I found there.
I don't like the ugly of life, but I love the beautiful He makes from it.
I don't like the hard pathway, but I love His gentle leading.
And these seasons? These different places we walk through? They are not signs of having gotten life right or wrong. They are just a part of the journey and in each season is opportunity to learn and grow.
The Foothills are where I found myself this morning. It's lovely here. Fresh breeze, growing seeds, hope filled endless skies of possibilities. I stopped and plucked a piece of fruit from a promising tree, I stopped before taking a bite and discovered a small spot, a blemish, one that I didn't want to ingest.
Because, even here, in a place that feels easier, I don't want to become self reliant. I don't want to be in control. I don't want to give into that small, sly temptation that asks me to rest in myself and my own strength. The only place I want to be, no matter the season or the path, is resting in Him and fully relying on Him in and through everything.
