Remembrance.....

I have spent a good portion of the last couple of years living in fear.  This morning, as I spent time in prayer, I felt fear hover.  It's hard to pray in faith when fear is sitting beside you.  Fear has been a constant companion, immobilizing me.  I let it in and fostered it, because it made sense.  It agreed with my circumstances.  Prayers had been answered with a resounding "NO!" and fear whispered, "See, He doesn't want good for you."  Fear began to cripple my prayer life.  I became afraid to ask for anything.  Instead, I just asked for His will.  There is nothing wrong with that, except the motivation behind it was fear.

This morning, as I thought back over the most recent years, the situations in which I felt helpless, the times that I still said, "God, I need this!  Our family needs this!"  I see that He was still answering.  There were a lot of  emphatic No's and I still do not understand the reason for all of them.  There is still pain attached to those answers.  They don't all make sense to me.  But today, as I remembered His faithfulness even through dark days, even when the answers felt less than loving, when the answers were not what I had in mind when I voiced the prayer.....I decided NO MORE!  It's time to not respond out of fear anymore.  It's time to look fear in the face and say,

You are no longer welcome here!

Today I will remember, His goodness even in the valley.  I will remember a No is still an answer.  I will remember, the lessons forged in the darkest part of the night are worth more than a Yes in the land of plenty.  They are worth more than a thousand dreams coming true.  I will no longer allow fear to hold me captive, to keep my prayers bottled up inside of me, or to whisper to me, "He is a good good Father to others, but not for you.  So don't even bother asking."

I will remember, because:

Without fear, I can boldly enter the throne room and lay down my desires, my needs, my requests, my wants.  I understand now, that even if the answer continues to be No, it's ok.  It doesn't mean His love is absent.  It doesn't mean I have sinned.  It doesn't mean He has left me alone.  It doesn't mean He isn't a good, good father to me.  

It means, His ways are higher than my ways.  It means, He sees a bigger picture than I can.  It means He has something else in store for me.

At first, I have held onto the truth loosely, grasping desperately for hope, because if I didn't hold onto it a little, then I had nothing to hold onto and I didn't want to free fall.  I've done that before and it's not fun.  But this morning, I'm no longer holding onto hope because I fear the fall.  I'm holding onto hope because inside of it lies truth.  Because I can trust beauty to be revealed in any and every situation.  I can trust the hand of my Father, even when His answers do not line up with my desire, my vision......

Today I declare, I will no longer fear.  I will boldly enter His throne room.  Laying down my heart at His feet, and trusting, no matter what the answer is, He loves me.  He has good for me and no matter what He allows me to go through, no matter the amount of pain attached to it, in the end, it will hold promise and goodness for me.  Today, I praise Him for the valley.  Today, I praise Him for the pain.  Today, I praise Him for the resounding NO's that have left me confused, angry, and jaded.  I praise Him, because He is good!  He is faithful!  He is full of love EVEN in the middle of dark valleys.  My location may change from standing on mountain tops, to living in the land of goodness and plenty, to feeling my way through dark valleys, BUT my present location and circumstance NEVER changes Him.  Through it all, He will never change.  That is a truth I can firmly stand on.

I write this, as a reminder, so that the next No doesn't leave me reeling.  I write this, as a reminder, that in the remaining time I have in a valley full of uncertainty, unknown pathways, unanswered questions and the ability to only see the next step in front of me (and sometimes not even that), that He is still faithful and because of His faithfulness I do not need to live in fear!

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you art with me.  Your rod and your staff they comfort me."

Psalm 23