Remembrance.....

I have spent a good portion of the last couple of years living in fear.  This morning, as I spent time in prayer, I felt fear hover.  It's hard to pray in faith when fear is sitting beside you.  Fear has been a constant companion, immobilizing me.  I let it in and fostered it, because it made sense.  It agreed with my circumstances.  Prayers had been answered with a resounding "NO!" and fear whispered, "See, He doesn't want good for you."  Fear began to cripple my prayer life.  I became afraid to ask for anything.  Instead, I just asked for His will.  There is nothing wrong with that, except the motivation behind it was fear.

This morning, as I thought back over the most recent years, the situations in which I felt helpless, the times that I still said, "God, I need this!  Our family needs this!"  I see that He was still answering.  There were a lot of  emphatic No's and I still do not understand the reason for all of them.  There is still pain attached to those answers.  They don't all make sense to me.  But today, as I remembered His faithfulness even through dark days, even when the answers felt less than loving, when the answers were not what I had in mind when I voiced the prayer.....I decided NO MORE!  It's time to not respond out of fear anymore.  It's time to look fear in the face and say,

You are no longer welcome here!

Today I will remember, His goodness even in the valley.  I will remember a No is still an answer.  I will remember, the lessons forged in the darkest part of the night are worth more than a Yes in the land of plenty.  They are worth more than a thousand dreams coming true.  I will no longer allow fear to hold me captive, to keep my prayers bottled up inside of me, or to whisper to me, "He is a good good Father to others, but not for you.  So don't even bother asking."

I will remember, because:

Without fear, I can boldly enter the throne room and lay down my desires, my needs, my requests, my wants.  I understand now, that even if the answer continues to be No, it's ok.  It doesn't mean His love is absent.  It doesn't mean I have sinned.  It doesn't mean He has left me alone.  It doesn't mean He isn't a good, good father to me.  

It means, His ways are higher than my ways.  It means, He sees a bigger picture than I can.  It means He has something else in store for me.

At first, I have held onto the truth loosely, grasping desperately for hope, because if I didn't hold onto it a little, then I had nothing to hold onto and I didn't want to free fall.  I've done that before and it's not fun.  But this morning, I'm no longer holding onto hope because I fear the fall.  I'm holding onto hope because inside of it lies truth.  Because I can trust beauty to be revealed in any and every situation.  I can trust the hand of my Father, even when His answers do not line up with my desire, my vision......

Today I declare, I will no longer fear.  I will boldly enter His throne room.  Laying down my heart at His feet, and trusting, no matter what the answer is, He loves me.  He has good for me and no matter what He allows me to go through, no matter the amount of pain attached to it, in the end, it will hold promise and goodness for me.  Today, I praise Him for the valley.  Today, I praise Him for the pain.  Today, I praise Him for the resounding NO's that have left me confused, angry, and jaded.  I praise Him, because He is good!  He is faithful!  He is full of love EVEN in the middle of dark valleys.  My location may change from standing on mountain tops, to living in the land of goodness and plenty, to feeling my way through dark valleys, BUT my present location and circumstance NEVER changes Him.  Through it all, He will never change.  That is a truth I can firmly stand on.

I write this, as a reminder, so that the next No doesn't leave me reeling.  I write this, as a reminder, that in the remaining time I have in a valley full of uncertainty, unknown pathways, unanswered questions and the ability to only see the next step in front of me (and sometimes not even that), that He is still faithful and because of His faithfulness I do not need to live in fear!

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you art with me.  Your rod and your staff they comfort me."

Psalm 23

In the Waiting, I Waited

Psalm 40 seemed to fall into my lap earlier this week.  I received a random text from a group or a person I had never heard of before and looking back through my text messages.....I can't find it.  However, on that text were these beautiful words which felt like they had been penned by King David himself just for me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry."

So simple, yet so powerful and spoken into a time in my life where I have felt forsaken and forgotten, confused and very alone.

I took the time to read all of Psalm 40 and was blown away by how it reached into my situation.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry"

In Hebrew "I waited" translates to "in Waiting, I waited".  Oh how this spoke to my heart.  In the waiting, I have waited some more.  I have been there.  It's waiting double time. I, in no way, can claim I have waited well.  I have not, but I understand that feeling.  Not to minimize how it has felt, but it reminds me of a doctors office.  It is not uncommon, after I have signed in, that I take a seat in the waiting room and wait, sometimes for a while.  I find this waiting time annoying depending on its length of time, but it isn't terrible because I am in a waiting room and that is what I'm supposed to be doing there.  After awhile, I hear my name called and I head back with the nurse, do the dreaded weigh in, have them check my vitals:

to make sure I'm still alive after waiting for so long

and they lead me to the examination room.  They ask the usual questions and hand me a gown. I change and try to get comfortable sitting on a paper covered exam table

.....and here is where I wait some more. 

This is the place that the waiting becomes the hardest.  This time it isn't in a waiting room (where I'm supposed to wait), but in an examination room where something is supposed to be taking place. I'm often uncomfortable and a little cold, I wait within the waiting.  It's where I often feel my patience grow thin because I do not wait well. 

It is where I have felt myself in life for awhile, in the proverbial exam room of life and so the words "waiting in the waiting" resonated with my soul.  It has been a place, where over time, I have lost hope, I have stopped dreaming, and have become jaded.  But as I saw this verse pop up in a text message, my Father said to me:

"Melody, I have heard you"

I kept reading-

"He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet up on a rock, and established my goings."

A miry pit is a perfect description of how I have felt....and the Hebrew for the word "horrible"?  Well, that just cemented it even more.  It translates into "a pit of noise".  Oppressive thoughts are like that.  It's a noisy cacophony of thoughts parading through my mind, holding me captive.  It's confusion.  I simply want to cover my ears and run away, but when it is in my own head, it becomes hard to escape.  But here, in these precious verses, I read a promise:

"Melody, there is hope.  I will not leave you here forever.  I will pull you up out of the noisy pit.  I will set you on a solid rock and I will make clear where you are headed."

These are words that spoke life into my dry soul.

"And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God:  many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord."

A new song.  More refreshment poured over me as I read verse three.  A new song in a heart that for awhile has found it difficult to sing.  Hard to sing songs that declare to be called "out upon the water, the great unknown, where feet may fail"  and "I surrender, Lord have your way with me" because I am beginning to realize the answer to those prayers are found at the end of myself and in dark valleys.  It is the only place to find unshakable faith.  It is where my faith began to shake and crumble, offering an opportunity for me to look long and hard at my choice to stay with Him.  A choice I made in the darkness.  Where I answered the question and said, 

"Yes Lord, even through all this Hard, I still want you.  I need you."

This opportunity eluded me until everything I was placing my hope in started to fall away.  It's a painful place.  It's scary.  It is unknown.  My feet have failed.  Surrendering all sounded beautiful, until I had to start giving away the things I rested comfortably in.  It has taken me to a place where it has became hard to continue to sing.  Not because my heart doesn't still desire more of Him, but because I have become tired and I know where prayers sung like that can take me.  But reading this verse, offered me a promise.  My name is Melody Joy.  A joyful song.  And I can tell you that has not been reality for me.  It's been more of a dirge.  As I read these words, even as I type, I hear Him say:

"Song, I will make you into a new song, a new Melody.  I will change your dirge into a joyful celebration that others will see and it will lead them to trust in Me."

Hope, written on pages that were penned thousands of years ago, before I was even thought of and yet, they sounded like they had been written just for me.

And then verse 4.

"Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies."

Trusting is the very thing I have stopped doing, cause let's be honest, I have doubted a lot lately.  I have doubted whether He still has good for me, because the journey has felt hard, it has not been fun.  But this verse says:

"Melody, you will be blessed when you trust me, pay no attention to what you see going on around you, and stop listening to the lies of the enemy."

This is truth which I know, but it has been hard getting it from my head to my heart.  Because the lies and the distractions of this life are easier to grab a hold of.  They feel real.  They agree with how I perceive the reality of life that I am living in.   God's steadfast truth sometimes feels like the opposite of what I am experiencing.  It makes it harder to grasp because I like logic and things that make sense.  But isn't that what faith and trust are?  Holding onto the unseen....knowing that even though I can't feel it, it is still there, it is still true?

Chapter 40 continues:

"Many, O Lord my God, are they wonderful works which thou has done, and thy thoughts which are to us-ward:  they cannot be reckoned up in order unto thee:  if I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered."

Praise.  There is praise in the middle of it all.  Praise and remembrance over the things He has already done.  It is never good to stay in the past, but sometimes it is beneficial to step back and remember and see and give thanks for what has already been accomplished.  To recall where you have come from.  To remember and to hold onto all of His thoughts and to dwell in awe of all of His promises towards me.  Promises that are so many, even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to catch them all. It reminds me of a clear moonlit night when I can see all of the stars.  I can begin to try to count them all and gather them to myself, but I can't possibly number them all.  There are too many.  So instead, I look, gazing at the beautiful sky, sitting in awe of its vastness, too big to comprehend, and allow it's beauty to simply envelope me like a warm down comforter.  His promises are like that.  The truth of this is sinking into my heart as I type these words.  Oh that I remember this in times of struggle! I can try to count and gather all of His thoughts towards me, number all of His blessings, but I can't. There are too many!  Instead, I can look, gazing at His beauty, sitting in awe of His vastness and all of His promises and thoughts towards me, and; even though they are too big to comprehend, I can allow their beauty to envelope me.   And He says to me:

"Melody, remember and see what I have already done in your life.  Look at where you have come from.  It's not over yet, AND; I'M NOT FINISHED EITHER.  Praise me and worship me and know, I have a plan and a purpose in and through all of this.  I have brought you through before, and I will bring you through again.  My thoughts, my promises, my love for you, let them soak into your heart like a gentle rain."

"Sacrifice and offering thou didst not desire; mine ears hast thou opened;  burnt offering and sin offering has thou not required."

In the Message, it is written like this:

"Doing something for you, bringing something to you, that's not what you're after.  Being religious, acting pious, that's not what you're asking for.  You've opened my ears so I can listen.  So I answered, 'I'm coming.  I read in your letter what you wrote about me, And I'm coming to the party you're throwing for me.  That's when God's Word entered my life, became part of my very being.'"

I chuckle as I read this.  I'm a doer.  You tell me what you expect and what you need me to do and I will go after it.  I will give it 110%.  I will pour myself, all of me into it.  One of the lies I have believed is that relationship is born out of doing, performing.....the better done, the better accomplished, the better performed.....the greater reward and the more acceptance I will receive.  I didn't realize this until right now, but the nasty truth, is my people pleasing tendency has tainted the call on my life to serve.  I know I have been called to serve, but because I allowed acceptance from other people to become a louder voice in my ear than the voice of my Father who has

Already accepted me,

I have gotten terribly distracted!  A couple of months ago, I felt God ask me, 

"What is the passion of your heart?"  

I answered and said, "Worship, service, and outreach".  

His response?  

"Good!  Those are the things I have called you too.  Anything else, done for any motive other than to walk in fellowship for me, is a distraction and a misuse of your time and energy.

If I haven't called you to it, you don't have to do it."  

The lies have taken me away from the truth of His acceptance.  They have focused my attention on whether or not others accept me and have distracted me from fulfilling His calling on my life.  How crafty the great deceiver is.  The lies have left me at a place in which, if given nothing to do by people, I feel lost.  I feel out of relationship.  I feel unaccepted.  And here, my Jesus speaks right into this.  He opens up my ears to hear Him loud and clear.  In fact, in the Hebrew the word "opened" is translated as digs.  He digs my ears open so I can clearly hear His invitation to me.  He says to me:

"Melody, I do not need you to do anything for me in order for you to receive my acceptance.  There are no hurtles for you to jump through.  Your performance or accomplishments, your ability to do, your achievements, your sacrifice....it's not what I am after, it is not what promises my relationship with you.  My relationship with you was promised to you, not by your doing, but by my Sons' doing.  All I require is YOU.  Just You with a heart that desires Me.  I have placed inside of you passions which naturally pour out of you.  Pursue these things!  I have given them to you for your enjoyment.  They are yours to do WITH Me, for us to pursue together out of relationship, not to gain relationship.  They are to be accomplished for the purpose of infecting the world with My love."

He wants me.  It's that simple.  No strings attached.  He just wants me, just the way I am, entering into fellowship and relationship with Him on a journey together.  As I reread this, I see a ray of sunshine and feel a touch of His warmth, I can see Him smile gently....All He has ever wanted was relationship with His creation....just as He made me.  To do life with me, together, joined in a common mission, using the gifts He gave me, powered by His strength, to show the world His love.

Psalm 40 continues:

"I've preached you to the whole congregation, I've kept back nothing, God, you know that.  I didn't keep the news of your ways a secret, didn't keep it to myself.  I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.  I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth for myself alone.  I told it all, let the congregation know the whole story."

Proclaim.  I must proclaim the truth of God, who He is, what He has done. I must not keep it to myself.  I have always known this, however; it has been a struggle to continue to do.  When I know His answers and my head knows the truth, but my heart and spirit lag behind and continue to struggle, it is hard to proclaim the truth of God.  Hard because my lips don't want to quite move since my words don't line up with how I feel and yet, I'm compelled to speak!  All the while fighting off thoughts that if I speak them, I will be a hypocrite in my own eyes and in the eyes of those listening to me.  I know my struggles intimately.  I know my imperfection.  I know, more often than not, when I proclaim in the middle of the storm or in the middle of victory, God ALWAYS gives me opportunity shortly after to walk out the proclamation. And, more often than not, given the opportunity to walk it out, I stumble and fall for everyone to see.  I usually feel like an epic failure, hypocritical and like a piece of dirt.  I am not positive where David was at in his own walk when he wrote these words.  I don't know if, in his proclamation, he struggled like I have and still do. Whether or not his heart had caught up to the truth.  Whether or not he struggled with feeling like a hypocrite. Even writing today, I have struggled with whether or not to share this publicly, because I still know my short comings, my imperfection, my inability and my propensity for failure.  I do know, though; David was far from perfect.  David had many struggles.  David failed many times and very publicly. I know David paid a steep price for his failings and yet

David still proclaimed

I hear my my Father whisper to my heart:

"Sweet, sweet daughter.  Never stop proclaiming the truth.  When I tell you to speak, never stay quiet.  Proclaim the truth of Me.  The things I teach you, are not just for you, they are for everyone.  Do not keep them to yourself.  Be an open book.  Let the whole story of who I am never stay hidden inside of you.  Your imperfection and your failures do not change the truth of who I am.  My truth remains the same.  My truth is not dependent on your ability to walk them out perfectly.  If that were the case, there would be no hope.  I Am the hope of this world and I use broken vessels, just like you, to share the truth of who I am.  Remember, the treasure of who I am lies in jars of clay in order to show my power through my people who are common and ordinary.  It's not your ability, strength, or perfection that gives validity to My truth.  It is My strength THROUGH your inability, THROUGH your weakness, and THROUGH your imperfection which proclaims loudly who I am and validates My truth."

It humbles me.  How easy it is to think that somehow the proof of who He is lies in and on my goodness. How silly of me to carry that weight, to try to strip His power from Him and haul it around on my shoulders.  For me to proclaim who He is and what He is doing in the storm and in the valley, when my heart and my walk have yet to catch up with my mind, reminds me of the many times in my marriage in which I have proclaimed,

"I love you"

and

"I forgive you"

to my husband before I actually believed it, felt it, or walked it out well.  I have often heard in relationships, I must  proclaim the truth even when I don't believe it, even when I don't feel it, and even when I am incapable of walking it out.  I have been told the feelings follow the action of the proclamation.  The truth of my love for my husband and the ability to forgive him remains the same despite me.  God's truth remains the same despite me.  His truth NEVER changes.  If I was a perfect vessel, it would be my perfection and my ability others would see.  I would be the focus.  But, through my brokenness, He becomes the focus.  It leaves me in a place of humble supplication:

"Oh God, use me despite myself.  Use my imperfection, my inability, and my weakness to declare your power, your truth, and your strength."

Verses 11-12:

"Now God, don't hold out on me, don't hold back your passion.  Your love and truth are all that keeps me together.  When troubles ganged up on me, a mob of sins past counting, I was so swamped by guilt I couldn't see my way clear.  More guilt in my heart than hair on my head, so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out."

The cry of my heart.  God don't hold out on me.  When I have been heavily trampled by the lies of Satan, guilty for listening to him instead of my Heavenly Father, no longer able to think rationally, my heart giving out.....  This is why I smile.  Even David, after praising God for hearing him, for saving him, for digging out his ears and proclaiming loudly the goodness of who God was, after blessing God and praising Him for all His goodness, he is still here pleading with God not to hold out on him forever.  I smile, because I can relate.  How many times I have walked the same path.  I cry out to God.  He hears me.  He saves me from the pit of trouble.  I stand in awe of who He is and praise Him for it.  In trouble and out of trouble, declaring and proclaiming who He is whether I always believe it or not or walk it out perfectly.  I find myself right back at the start.....crying out for deliverance.  In the Amplified version is reads:

"O Lord; let your loving-kindness and Your truth continually preserve me!"

The truth of who God is.  Made evident through my weakness.  May it save me.  His loving-kindness. Whether I feel it or believe it.  May it save me.

Verses 13-15:

"Soften up, God, and intervene;  hurry and get me some help, So those who are trying to kidnap my soul will be embarrassed and lose face, so anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable will be heckled and disgraced, so those who pray for my ruin will be booed and jeered without mercy."

The lament continues.  Put the enemy to shame.  Please reach down your hand, in the middle of my circumstances, and make a way.  And I see the irony.  Again crying out for what has already been accomplished through the Blood of the Lamb on Calvary.  My Father has already overcome the great deceiver and the enemy of my soul.  I hear the cry of David.  Father, fight this battle for me.  

And I hear Him say: 

"I have rescued you.  I have saved you.  The circumstances of this life are not a measuring stick of My blessing on your life.  Do not allow circumstances to continue to distract you.  My blessing is not defined by circumstantial earthly things.  My blessing on your life is defined by My praise of who you are in Me.  I rejoice over you with singing!  You have My blessing in prosperity, on the mountain top, in the land of plenty, as well as; in want, in the valley, and in the desert of need.  My blessing doesn't change based on the circumstances of your life.  Circumstances are momentary.  They are not eternal.    Whether you feel like it or not, you have already been rescued and the battles you continue to face......oh dear child.  Rest.  I never intended for you to fight them.  It is My battle.  I will fight valiantly for you and trample down your adversary.  Dress yourself in My armor and then stand.  I will fight for you."

And the last part of this beautiful Psalm, makes me laugh:

"But all who are hunting for you, oh let them sing and be happy.  Let those who know what you're all about tell the world you're great and not quitting.  And me?  I'm a mess.  I'm nothing and have nothing:  make something of me.  You can do it;  you've got what it takes, but God, don't put it off."

I laugh because I see myself in this prayer.  I see myself in the craziness of King David.  I laugh because it's true.  David's desire is for others to seek and find God.  To rejoice in God's love and His salvation.  And, yet, David still sets himself apart from this group of people.  He says:

"but as for me?  I'm a hot mess.  I'm not worth a whole lot, but please use me anyway.  I know you can do it.  I have this hope, just don't take too long." (my paraphrase)

And that is where I often find myself at the end of it all.  My desire is for others to find God, to rejoice in who He is and what He has done.  Reveling in the truth that He is not finished yet. Knowing he will not quit.  And yet, I set myself apart from this group.  The hot mess that I am. Fickle to a fault. Imperfect.  Filled with worry and fret.  Knowing the truth, but still waiting for my heart to catch up. Still trying to fight my battles in God sized armor instead of standing still and allowing Him to fight for me.  Wearing myself out till I am faint and beaten down.  Offering my brokenness before my heavenly Father, knowing who He is and what He is capable of.  Hanging onto this hope and asking Him to please not take too long to do something with this mess I have to give to Him.

I see Him smile at my self-pity and He says:

"Stop setting yourself apart.  You are ok.  Yes, I am still working in you, changing you into the likeness of who I am and sometimes it's messy.....but don't allow your mess to cloud your vision and become your focus.  Include yourself in the joy of who I am, because; I'm not doing anything in you that I am not doing in others.  You are not less than!  You have found Me!  I am not hiding from you.  Rejoice!  There is no "them" and "you".  There is no elite club you have somehow missed out on.  Rejoice!  Knowing full well that I am your everything, in every circumstance of life.  You have been sitting on the sidelines for far too long.  Watching.  Learning.  Listening.  It's time to head back into the game of Joy and not just for a moment like you often do, but for a lifetime.  You play for a bit, but then you get distracted by the other players.  You try playing their position.  You get worn out and retreat back to the sidelines....confused, tired, beat down and frustrated.  And when it is time for you to play the defensive, you try to run your own game plan instead of Mine.  It wears you out every time.  I didn't ask you to plan the game.  I didn't expect it from you either.  I will plan the game.  All you have to do is stand firm in the plan I have set before you, knowing you can stand firm, because I have already won the game."

He has already won.

I do not share these things feeling I have all the answers or as an expected encouragement to others, though if my mess encourages someone then praise be to God.  This is far from, "Look at what God is teaching me.  Look at what I'm going to apply, I encourage you to do this same."  It is simply a proclamation of truth. It is a humble challenge to myself.  It is a word of encouragement from the very Heart of God spoken into my worn out soul.  I hear His challenge.  I receive His encouragement. I feel a spark of excitement.  I'm listening to His truth, and if you have made it this far:

First of all, God bless you for sticking through a long winded blog which captures a working out of God's truth in my life

Secondly, I ask you to stand with me.  Remind me of these truths often.  I can promise you now, I am very forgetful and I say that in all seriousness.  I know full well, as I post this and proclaim His truth over myself, I will be given more opportunity to put His truth into practice.  When given the opportunity to practice, I usually fail, because I forget the truth.  I forget the lesson.  It takes countless tries for me to start to grasp His technique.  In all honesty, I do not look forward to it.  I'm tired.  But, I want to keep practicing, because I want more of Him.  I want more of His power and more of His strength to shine through me allowing an opportunity for me to join together with Him in pursuit of the passions He has laid upon my heart, to use wisely the gifts and tools He has given to me to fulfill those passions for His glory in order to infect this world with His love.  I ask you to stand with me because I am realizing I need help. I need support in raising worn out arms up in praise.  I need help in remembering His truth.  I need encouragement to stand back up when I fall, to try again,  and to keep practicing.  

Thank you