This morning weighed heavy on me.....like so many mornings have over the last 18 months. You know you are carrying a heavy weight,
one you have laid down
over
and
over again
one
you pick up
without
realizing it,
when a simple Swedish Massage brings you to tears and not because the massage therapist is pushing to hard, but because you mention that it hurts a bit and she responds with a question
"have you been stressed?"
And before you know it, tears well up in your eyes, your breathe catches in your throat and
you swallow the sob
thankful for a raspy, chest cold voice
that disguises the catch in your response, trying to flippantly respond, with
"yes, for about the last two years"
That was yesterday. Today dawned like normal. The normal I have learned to adopt over the last while. It is a normal of slowly dying simply because living might birth dreams.....and dreams have been dying left and right. Dreaming again hurts. Dreaming ushers in hope and hope deferred because of the death of dreams makes you sick.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
The slow process of death in my life has kept me from moving forward. In fact it moved me backwards......back to a place I once was very familiar with. A place of
Seclusion
Tiredness
and of deep Oppression. These things shut me down. Even, the normal things I love to do, have lost interest for me. I am now afraid to dream. Living has become a place of survival in which I thank God for my children......because without their need for me......I know I would have slipped farther away. I've heard some say they don't understand Christians giving into these sorts of things....things that can lead to death emotionally, physically, spiritually. I used to say that too. But now I understand.
This morning, after the kids were at school, I drove home with a heavy feeling that has become annoyingly normal. If I could have my way, I'd stay in bed all day, because the word that runs through my head is
"what's the point anyway."
Thankfully, there is always a little fight left in me. It gets me up at least. One I often use to engage my heavenly Father with in discussion. His calling and wooing me back to him is the only thing that has kept me alive. I'm thankful He continues to be stronger. My "why" about the direction of the last two years is a question I am sure He has grown accustomed too. I have learned to be bluntly honest with Him....He knows anyways. I told Him
"i am trying, but today is hard. being good is hard. why? just tell me why it had to go this way"
The answer is never quite what I want and today's answered proved to be the same.
"because I wanted to see if you would sing anyway."
"so this is all my fault? all this because I failed to respond correctly? why did you have to change things? i liked how things were. i was comfortable, safe. happy. dreaming with possibilities that were endless."
"no, it's not your fault. but it was allowed to see if you would sing anyways."
"i don't want to sing."
"i know. it's a choice. will you choose to sing, will you choose to live again even when the circumstances are not what you desire? today, is the opportunity to see if you can choose to sing."
"you know I don't feel safe and secure anymore, right?"
"i am your safety, I am your security......just look out the window. look at what I have provided."
I looked. He was right. Even nature sings His praise, even in the midst of the death of fall. It's beautiful.
I wiped my hands on a dish towel.....doing dishes was a step towards living this morning. Seems little, but it's true. I caught a glimpse of what it might feel like to dream, even if just a little. Sounds simplistic, but dreaming right now would mean moving forward in the very little things
Making this current house a home and not just a shell I'm stuck in right now
Being thankful for the quiet beauty of a country road, falling leaves, resting pivots in harvested fields, and sunshine pouring through the picture window
Creating again, even though I emphatically reminded Him that I do not like what I have to create with. He seemed to understand, but reminded me of a dear friend who had a gift of creating beauty simply out of what she had.
I picked up my phone to look up if transplanting mums is ok to do in the fall. It's one of those little things that would bring me joy right now. Rearranging the flower bed to look like mine...short flowers in front...tall flowers in back....it's been bugging me ever since the mums bloomed and the daisies died. I can't see the mums very well. Again, simple, silly, but in this tired heart, it's a breathe of life. I was quickly distracted, as I often am, by a post I was tagged in with a song by Dara Maclean. I listened. It proclaimed
i am blameless
i am spotless
i am worthy
i am chosen
and
I AM HIS
This morning, no one was around, so the tears fell and I knew I had to declare that this morning
I Choose to Live Again
Even in the continued mess, the unanswered questions, the uncertainties of next spring
Even in the unanswered prayers and the shattered and crushed dreams
Even in the fear of dreaming again
Even in the pain of daring to hope again
That maybe, the things spoken, He will still bring to pass in His time
Those deep down soul desires that fail to fade even after years of not seeing them happen yet
Even through the doubt filled questions as I wonder whether I really heard Him whisper to my soul and give me a desire.....was that really Him or was it just my own idea? The unfullfillment of the desire makes it easy to believe it wasn't Him....seems like confirmation, because if it was Him, why hasn't it happened yet. Because I see Him fulfill the desires and dreams of those around me....So I might add.....
I choose to live again
Even in feeling forgotten
I will choose to live again.
Today, I choose to see the promise in today and to live out that promise to the best of my ability
I choose to accept His truth about me, whether I feel it or not
I choose to tap into His joy even though mine feels depleted
I choose to step forward even though I don't know what that next step means, where it will lead me
I choose to sing in triumph in the midst of defeat
I choose to live even though I am not sure how to dream anymore without fear
Today I Choose to Live Again
