The cry of our hearts as children of an almighty God is to be drawn deeper into His heart. I often find myself praying for this: God, just draw me deeper into you. I want to know you in a more intimate way. God have your way with me. Teach me to trust you, so that my faith never waivers in any circumstance.
Sunday, we sang a song during worship service called Good Good Father by Housefires. The bridge declares these words:
Oh it's love so undeniable I, I can hardly speak Peace so unexplainable I, I can hardly think as you call me deeper still, as you call me, deeper still, as you call me deeper still into love, love, love
These lyrics remind me of another song called Oceans that we also sing. It also calls out to our heavenly Father to take us to deep, deep waters, to places unknown where our faith will be made stronger.
The lyrics are beautiful.
The cry is genuine.
The prayer is sincere.
It is the deepest cry of the human heart to be drawn into a more intimate relationship with the one who created us, loves us more than life itself, and desires to walk with us.
And then, God, in all His goodness, answers our prayer......
I want to make sure I am very clear on this next part. I do not want it to be misunderstood, because God is a good, good father. He doesn't curse us with bad things or bad situations.....but he does allow life to happen to us. He allows life to happen to us because He knows it is in these hard situations that He is actually calling us deeper into Himself. Because it is through hard situations that we have a choice to make....to hide ourselves in the cleft of the rock of Jesus Christ OR to run in the other direction, cursing Him as we go.
Let me just say, life around here, in the Wilson household, has been less than ideal over the past 8 weeks. It has been one thing after another. It has reminded me of running a new route in which you think you only have one hill to climb....only to find at the crest of that hill that there is no going down the hill (something I look very forward to), in fact, there is a new hill to climb. We have had major illness with Colin's appendicitis and discovered duodenal ulcers which brought on financial stress and uncertainty which was added to when I hit two deer with our van doing major damage to the vehicle, our sweeper broke and last week we found out about more uncertainties...part of which we are still smack dab in the middle of. I'm beginning to feel like a country song. I have been all over the place with my emotions.
There has been anger towards God. How can He allow all of these things to hit us all at once? Spreading it out over a year would have been more manageable. Not to mention, we have been obedient! We have done the things He has asked us to do... not perfectly....but we have worked towards obedience. And has He forgotten all we have given and already done for Him? There were several days that God got an earful from me.
There has been doubt. Do you really love me? You say you do, but how can this be love? How can you do this to me when my brothers and sisters seem to receive blessing after blessing? Why am I not as good as them? Why do you pick on me? Have you forgotten me?! Have you forgotten all of the promises you have laid on my heart!? All of the things you have spoken over me?!
There has been acceptance and excitement. Ok, it will be ok. God has never failed us. Why would He start now? He's got this. You are doing something new God, and I am excited to see what it is!
And then back to hopelessness.....Why would I start hoping now? Everything else I have hoped for you have taken from me.... and that is where He stopped me. And looking back on things, it was a good thing, because HONESTLY, even in the hardness of the past 8 weeks, I have had so many things to still give thanks for. But this is where He stopped me and He said:
"That is the problem. You have put your hope in things and not in me."
Ouch. That will shut you up. It stopped me mid tirade....because it was the truth.
The problem is I like to have answers. And God has brought me to a place where I have no answer. I have no solution. No answer to the why or the how or the when. He has brought me to a place and may I add; looking back at our past 8 weeks, He has gently brought me to this place. His hand was definitely on our lives still; things could have been far worse. Colin's appendix could have ruptured. We could have had doctors that were unwilling to do a scope on him and we would never have known about the ulcers. He could have tested positive for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia, but he didn't. The deer could have gone through our window shields. The children and I could have been injured in that accident. I could have lost control of the van...but we didn't. I see His grace and mercy in all of this. Gently He has brought me to a place where I am now at the end of my solutions. And I see that I have a choice. I see that through this experience, He has answered my deepest heart cry. I see how He is drawing me deeper into His heart, into a place of leaning completely on Him, trusting Him, growing my faith...things I have yearned for.
I forget. Growth takes effort and work. I forget that the most beautiful gardens have had their fair share of well, you know, fecal material, covering them. I forget in the midst of trial is the answer to my prayer and God allows these times in our lives to happen because He is answering my prayer. There is a lot of encouragement in that. Out of this brokenness will come beauty. Out of the unknown will come answers...eventually. Out of the doubt and fear and anger will come a trust and a faith that can only be birthed out of adversity. Out of weakness will come a praise that can not be quieted down.
I have so far to go. Tomorrow, I might fluctuate in my feelings again. I might struggle some more. BUT I HAVE THIS HOPE.....out of the struggle comes a deeper, stronger, and more grounded faith. I yearn for that. Faith that can move mountains. Faith that doesn't waiver. Faith, that in the face of adversity, sings louder and doesn't move. Faith that stands still and waits.
I encourage you too. If you are struggling, if things are happening that you can not begin to understand, if you are going through a painful time in life....don't give up. God is doing a work inside of your life. He is answering the deepest cry of your heart. He is calling you deeper, and deeper, and deeper in love....into Himself. Do not loose heart. Lean heavier on Him. Trust Him more fully and as the storm rages around you, remember, He has your life hidden in the palm of His hand. He has not forsaken you and He has not forgotten you.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Thursday, April 2, 2015
The Word of the Day: Thankfulness
It's been a son with appendicitis and two duodenal ulcers-hospital bills-broken sweeper-hit a deer-van damaged and towed-slammed fingers in the door this morning- sort of month. But this morning as I was shouting at the heavens and pointing fingers at God and daring Him to allow just one more thing to go wrong because you know, what else is going to happen to bring me down, I had to stop and apologize. Because, no matter how much we want someone or something to blame so that we feel vindicated, it doesn't change the fact that, though God knows everything we will encounter before it happens, He is still a good God!!!! And He is still a GOOD FATHER!!! Why do I feel such a need to shake my fist at him when things in my life go hay-wire? After all, He never promised me that walking with Him would be a stroll through a meadow or a rose covered path. He specifically said to expect trial, hardships and tribulations. He simply said that through it He would never leave me, He would provide, He would guide. And when I really take a moment to shut my mouth and lower my raised fist, I can already see His provision....In fact, I am going to venture to say, the list of frustrations this month and trials will be shorter than the list of provisions in the light of thanksgiving. In order to benefit myself, I am going to write the list out. I need to see it.
Trials: appendicitis, hospital bills, insurance issues, a randomly broken sweeper head, hit a deer, van can't be driven, slammed my fingers in the door
Thanksgiving: Colin is alive, the insurance issues are being worked out, Colin's health is improving and because of the appendicitis we were able to address the ulcers that we knew nothing about, the sweeper can be fixed and I have a good excuse not to clean right now ;), we hit the deer head on and it did not go through a window, the air bag (though it was threatening too) did not deploy into my face and Katie's face, we are alive, we have a car to borrow, we have auto insurance, and I still have my fingers, and did I mention.....we are alive.
See, it's longer and in the light of what millions of others are going through, even my own trials which have felt discouraging and heavy to me, are small. So today, I am choosing to stop shaking my fist and daring God to "bring it on" (what a foolish thing to say, but I believe He understands), and instead give thanks.
A year ago, I started reading 10,000 Gifts and in it, she encourages thankfulness in the middle of the hardship...even the little things and most definitely in the big things. I started a list of thankfulness....I stopped writing things down a while ago....but for my own sake, I think I need to start again. Looks like I stopped writing them down last fall. I had made it to #20....so today I will begin again with #21:
#21 The health and well being of my family
#22 Giving parents
#23 We are alive
#24 An encouraging husband
#25 Quite moments in which I remember to give thanks
#26 A gracious heavenly Father who can handle my yelling and fist shaking
#27 A good, good Father, who quietly speaks truth into a frustrated heart
I need to keep adding to this list. Not because I need one more thing to remember to write down, but because I need to see it on paper. The blessings compared to the frustrations. I forget so easily because I focus to hard on the negative. One of my favorite sayings is, "there is beauty in brokenness".....it is focusing on the beauty that helps me to walk through the brokenness and I need to do it more often.
Last night, through the accident and the process, this song rang through my heart and my head over and over again. I woke up with it....it's what I MUST remember during these times. He is a good, good Father and I am loved by Him. NO circumstance in this life will ever change that fact.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djrY_eFDOwE
Trials: appendicitis, hospital bills, insurance issues, a randomly broken sweeper head, hit a deer, van can't be driven, slammed my fingers in the door
Thanksgiving: Colin is alive, the insurance issues are being worked out, Colin's health is improving and because of the appendicitis we were able to address the ulcers that we knew nothing about, the sweeper can be fixed and I have a good excuse not to clean right now ;), we hit the deer head on and it did not go through a window, the air bag (though it was threatening too) did not deploy into my face and Katie's face, we are alive, we have a car to borrow, we have auto insurance, and I still have my fingers, and did I mention.....we are alive.
See, it's longer and in the light of what millions of others are going through, even my own trials which have felt discouraging and heavy to me, are small. So today, I am choosing to stop shaking my fist and daring God to "bring it on" (what a foolish thing to say, but I believe He understands), and instead give thanks.
A year ago, I started reading 10,000 Gifts and in it, she encourages thankfulness in the middle of the hardship...even the little things and most definitely in the big things. I started a list of thankfulness....I stopped writing things down a while ago....but for my own sake, I think I need to start again. Looks like I stopped writing them down last fall. I had made it to #20....so today I will begin again with #21:
#21 The health and well being of my family
#22 Giving parents
#23 We are alive
#24 An encouraging husband
#25 Quite moments in which I remember to give thanks
#26 A gracious heavenly Father who can handle my yelling and fist shaking
#27 A good, good Father, who quietly speaks truth into a frustrated heart
I need to keep adding to this list. Not because I need one more thing to remember to write down, but because I need to see it on paper. The blessings compared to the frustrations. I forget so easily because I focus to hard on the negative. One of my favorite sayings is, "there is beauty in brokenness".....it is focusing on the beauty that helps me to walk through the brokenness and I need to do it more often.
Last night, through the accident and the process, this song rang through my heart and my head over and over again. I woke up with it....it's what I MUST remember during these times. He is a good, good Father and I am loved by Him. NO circumstance in this life will ever change that fact.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djrY_eFDOwE
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