It's been a son with appendicitis and two duodenal ulcers-hospital bills-broken sweeper-hit a deer-van damaged and towed-slammed fingers in the door this morning- sort of month. But this morning as I was shouting at the heavens and pointing fingers at God and daring Him to allow just one more thing to go wrong because you know, what else is going to happen to bring me down, I had to stop and apologize. Because, no matter how much we want someone or something to blame so that we feel vindicated, it doesn't change the fact that, though God knows everything we will encounter before it happens, He is still a good God!!!! And He is still a GOOD FATHER!!! Why do I feel such a need to shake my fist at him when things in my life go hay-wire? After all, He never promised me that walking with Him would be a stroll through a meadow or a rose covered path. He specifically said to expect trial, hardships and tribulations. He simply said that through it He would never leave me, He would provide, He would guide. And when I really take a moment to shut my mouth and lower my raised fist, I can already see His provision....In fact, I am going to venture to say, the list of frustrations this month and trials will be shorter than the list of provisions in the light of thanksgiving. In order to benefit myself, I am going to write the list out. I need to see it.
Trials: appendicitis, hospital bills, insurance issues, a randomly broken sweeper head, hit a deer, van can't be driven, slammed my fingers in the door
Thanksgiving: Colin is alive, the insurance issues are being worked out, Colin's health is improving and because of the appendicitis we were able to address the ulcers that we knew nothing about, the sweeper can be fixed and I have a good excuse not to clean right now ;), we hit the deer head on and it did not go through a window, the air bag (though it was threatening too) did not deploy into my face and Katie's face, we are alive, we have a car to borrow, we have auto insurance, and I still have my fingers, and did I mention.....we are alive.
See, it's longer and in the light of what millions of others are going through, even my own trials which have felt discouraging and heavy to me, are small. So today, I am choosing to stop shaking my fist and daring God to "bring it on" (what a foolish thing to say, but I believe He understands), and instead give thanks.
A year ago, I started reading 10,000 Gifts and in it, she encourages thankfulness in the middle of the hardship...even the little things and most definitely in the big things. I started a list of thankfulness....I stopped writing things down a while ago....but for my own sake, I think I need to start again. Looks like I stopped writing them down last fall. I had made it to #20....so today I will begin again with #21:
#21 The health and well being of my family
#22 Giving parents
#23 We are alive
#24 An encouraging husband
#25 Quite moments in which I remember to give thanks
#26 A gracious heavenly Father who can handle my yelling and fist shaking
#27 A good, good Father, who quietly speaks truth into a frustrated heart
I need to keep adding to this list. Not because I need one more thing to remember to write down, but because I need to see it on paper. The blessings compared to the frustrations. I forget so easily because I focus to hard on the negative. One of my favorite sayings is, "there is beauty in brokenness".....it is focusing on the beauty that helps me to walk through the brokenness and I need to do it more often.
Last night, through the accident and the process, this song rang through my heart and my head over and over again. I woke up with it....it's what I MUST remember during these times. He is a good, good Father and I am loved by Him. NO circumstance in this life will ever change that fact.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djrY_eFDOwE
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