Stamp of Approval

I have a thing in my life.  It is this unquenchable need for approval.  It is born out of a fear that I am not good enough and never will be good enough.  I have lived with this fear for a long time and I am finally fed up with having it around.  See, it affects everything.  It effects the way I think, the way I talk, the way I interact with others, and the way I do things.  It is this heavy cloud that I simply have accepted as being a part of who I am......and so I have settled.....allowed it to stay.  And quite frankly, I am over it.  I am just going to be really frank........so if you don't like frankness, stop reading this now.........  It is like a really bad case of hemorrhoids.  Irritating, sometimes painful, and ever so hard to get rid of, unless you put forth specific effort to rid yourself of their peskiness.  When you get fed up enough with them, you finally say, "fine.  I will do what it takes.  It isn't worth living like this." 

And that is where I am at.  And to be honest with you, I am not sure where to start, because I thought I had dealt with this issue already in my life.  But like a lot of issues, you have the head knowledge of it before it becomes heart knowledge.  I think that is what I dealt with before.  It become head knowledge for me, who I was in Christ, completely accepted and loved by Him, approved, good enough.  I know all of that in the area above my neck, but in the area below my neck, it has not quite sunk in yet.  It has not become truth to me.  It was truth for others, but not for me. 

I am ready for the heart knowledge now.  I am ready for it to penetrate deeper than just my cerebral cortex and to begin to penetrate my heart. 

This morning I was in a bit of a struggle again.  My feelings battling the truth that I know in my head and my heart not grabbing onto and fighting and standing firm and secure on the Word of Truth.  I stopped reading my Bible and knelt down in front of my Father and poured it all out to Him.  Everything I felt.  I asked Him to do things for me and then stopped myself, cause I'm not supposed to just ask for things, I am supposed to praise Him too.  Good grief.  Can't even pray right.  So, I told Him that too.  Told Him how I just want to be good enough.  And that is when I saw it coming.  He interrupted me and His hand came flying towards my forehead.  You know the V8 commercials where the person gets hit on the forehead and you hear the voice say, "You should've had your V8 today?"  That's what this reminded me of.  Except, I saw this picture of His hand coming towards me, He hit me in the forehead and said, "approved!"

APPROVED!  I can't say it has completely sunk in yet.  But I know what He is saying to me, "You have been approved!  Now knock it off and get on with life."  And that is my desire.  It is time to stop this, giving into the doubts of who I am in Him, second guessing EVERYTHING and wondering if I am good enough, approved, and acceptable.  I don't want it to affect my life anymore.  But just like those hemorrhoids I mentioned earlier, it is going to take some effort on my part to take every thought captive and put it under the authority of Christ Jesus and to allow the head knowledge to seep down into the depths of my heart until it becomes a deep seeded heart knowledge that CANNOT be shaken.

Flower Gardens

Do you know what I love about flower gardens?  I love that each year, when I get outside and start working in my garden, God starts talking. 

Lesson #1:  The best time to pull weeds is right after the rain.  The soil is soft and pliable and the roots of a weed, even the ones that go down deep, are easier to dig out.  Our heart is like that.  We don't always like the gloominess of rain or the harshness of a storm.  But after it is over, we find the rain that soaked down into the hard ground of our hearts has been softened.  And in that softened state, it is easier for us to start pulling out a little bit of bitterness, a little bit of pride, a little bit of jealousy, a little bit of.......you name it.  Let His love soak your heart.  Let it wash over you and make you new.  And in the times of the storm and the rain, remember; He has not forgotten in.  In fact, He is soaking you and giving you opportunity to pull out some weeds.


Lesson #2:  The beauty of the flower garden shines even brighter after the weeds and dead plants from last year are gone.  It is easy for us to hide behind our "weeds".  It is easy just to leave them there.  But, wow, how the true beauty of the flowers shine when they are no longer hidden by weeds and left over dead plants from last year.  You can actually see how pretty those flowers are!  You are beautiful!  Your heart is beautiful and dearly loved by the Father.  Don't allow your "weeds" and dead material from the past hide your true beauty.  Get out from behind all those things.  Clean them out and see how brightly your beauty will shine!

Abba, Father

I tend to be a bit of a fighter.  Stubborn and willful, I struggle until there simply is no fight in me left.  I'm exhausted and at my wits end.  I have a strong desire to do things my way, because I'm pretty sure I am strong enough. 

That is what I love about my Abba, Father, because He lets me.  He lets me fight, He lets me be stubborn and willful.  He lets me struggle till there is no fight left and I am out of options.  He lets me flex my muscles and He lets me try things my own way.  He never yells at me.  He never says, "If I have said it once I have said it a million times."  He never tells me, when I lay worn on the ground, "I told you so."  He never makes me mind.  He never makes me obey.  He quietly waits.  Never far away.  And He watches. 
             While I throw my fit. 
And when I am done and I look up to Him with a tear streaked face, He opens His arms.  Tenderly smiles.  Lifts me up.  Embraces me and says the words I so desperately want to hear:
                     "I love you, daughter.

 Come to me, and I will give you rest.  My burden is easy and my yoke is light."

    He offers me no condemnation

 only, 

 perfect, perfect love.

"But me he caught-reached all the way from sky to sea;  he pulled me out of that ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning.  They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me.  He stood me up on a wide-open field;  I stood there saved-
                 Surprised to be loved!
                  2 Samuel 22:17-20 MSG

Truth on the Treadmill

Truth has become on objective concept in our society.  My truth may not be your truth and we need to respect each other's truth no matter what it is.  My truth is different then your truth, because I have a different perspective on life then you do.  Therefore, I base my truth on my perspective.  My perspective dictates my truth.

I have struggled with this a lot;  the idea that truth may very well be objective.  I have fought against it and found myself in a place of possibly being labeled as an absolutest and dogmatic.  I have fought with it so hard inside of myself, listened to the arguments against absolutism, and found myself slowly turning.......gradually beginning to think, maybe they have a point.  I have grown tired of the debate and slowly weakened.  Maybe, maybe they are right.  Maybe their truth in their lives is good for them.  And the truth in my life is good for me.  And that's ok.  Maybe that doesn't sound so bad.  After all, I would be open to any truth then, accepting of it.  The debate would be over; the fight would be over.  This felt easier and inside of myself, I have to be honest; the easy route looked good and made me want to sigh a breathe of relief.  No longer would I have to defend myself.  But then, doubt began to set in.  Doubt of what I believed.  If they were right....then that means I might be wrong.  And if I am wrong, then everything I have ever said, done, believed in, worked for, loved, worshiped.....might be for nothing.  This thought had left me incredibly vulnerable. 

My shield had fallen to the ground, my sword aimlessly held at my side, my helmet tossed on the ground as I threw it aside to wipe the sweat from my brow.  And I stared my enemy straight in the face and realized, for a moment; that it just was easier to succumb.

My vulnerability left me at a place of teetering between hopelessness and depression.  I felt I was constantly trying to fight them both off.  I didn't want either of them, but I felt I had nothing left to give.  I would have moments of peace, but these moments became more fleeting and hopelessness became more prevalent.  I had been in this place before.  I knew it well.  I didn't want it, but was feeling sucked in.  Depression does that.  It sucks you in.  Friends who were struggling with major life issues would call, looking for support and encouragement.  I would listen to myself repeat words, phrases, verses, anything and everything that I knew were the right things to say to lift them up.  But as I heard myself, my words sounded hollow.  Meaningless jargon to make someone feel better.  They didn't feel like truth to me anymore.  How could I pass along something I was beginning to doubt?

And then, in all His Mighty Faithfulness, God spoke to me.  In the middle of everyday life, using a simple example of something I understood well, He spoke to me.  I had gone to the gym that morning.  Resolved to get back into shape.  I stepped onto the treadmill and got ready for my workout.   I had decided earlier to make sure the treadmill would be at an incline in order to simulate running outside better.......outside is my gym of choice.  I pushed the incline button and noticed it was already set at 5.5%.  Jeez o Petes!  Who is the crazy person that is running at 5.5% incline!  Oh well....and I started to lower the platform to an incline of 2%.  I started the treadmill up and that is when it hit me. 

When I had first stepped up on the treadmill I did not realize I was at a 5.5% incline.  It felt level to me.  If anyone had asked me, I would have told them I was standing level.  If they would have pressed me about it, I probably would have argued with them that I was standing on level ground.  I didn't know any different.  It was what I knew to be level.  It felt level, it looked level to me, I didn't feel like I was on a slant.  From what I could tell, feel, and see; I was standing on level ground.  It was my perspective.  It was my truth.  And this is when God spoke to me. 

The truth was that I was not level.  It really didn't matter how I felt, what I could tell, or what I could see.  The fact of the matter was, I was not level.  My perspective on the matter made me think I knew what the truth was about the incline of the treadmill.  The truth was I was on an incline.  Whether or not I agreed with the truth, saw the truth, understood the truth, liked the truth, or felt the truth didn't change the truth. 

Truth is not, nor ever will be objective.  If it was, it would go against the very definition of truth which means constant and faithful.  Something constant and faithful cannot be changed or else it would no longer be constant and faithful.  Yes, our lives shape us, can define us, and sets our perspective on life.  However, our perspective, cannot and will not change the truth.  Our circumstances do not change truth.

There are so many debates.  Debates about politics, debates about faith, debates about proper etiquette and socially acceptable behaviour, debates within the church and outside of the church.  It goes on and on, because we all have our own experiences, our own lives, our own perspectives on which we base our "truth".    Truth cannot be based on our perspective though, because we all have different perspectives, therefore we all have a different truth.  In our American society, it is becoming more and more acceptable to simply be whoever, whatever, and however you want to be.  Cause you can, it's your right, and you want to.  You can believe whatever you want, do whatever you want, say whatever you want because it is your right.  And, in our society, if someone tries to tell you otherwise; on either side mind you, then your rights are being stepped on.  So off to court you go, to prove your rights are justified and nobody has any business telling you otherwise.  However, our rights, what we want, how we feel, what we like or don't like never changes the truth.  It is constant, it is faithful, it is never changing.

As I have spent some time thinking about what God shared with me, I have realized;  there is only one constant.  It is not human opinion, social trends, my feelings, my thoughts, my perspective, my outlook on life, my circumstances.  None of these are truth, because they are all changeable.  And truth is constant and faithful.  None of those things can line up with the definition of truth.  Only one thing lines up with the definition of truth and that is God.  He has always remained the same.  His love is constant, His faithfulness is sure, and He never changes.  Debaters, I am going to stop you right here because I know what you are going to say.  I have heard it a million times. 

"The Bible contradicts itself, how can a loving God allow bad things to happen to good people, I have found just as much peace and happiness following Buddha as you do following God......."

I've heard it all.  So debaters, go no farther, leave your debates at the table and listen.  My opinion, your opinion, your thoughts, my thoughts, my experiences, your experiences, my ideals, your ideals, your feelings, my feelings are ALL subject to change.  They are not constant and therefore they are not truth.  All those things make no difference and do not change the truth of who God is.  Our understanding of Him, our opinion of Him, our perspective of Him, or our interpretation of Him do not and will not ever change Him, because He is the very definition of truth. 

I desire to strip it all away, because when I do, it leads me back to the one constant, the one faithful, the one true God.

I felt myself collapsing in a heap of hopelessness.  None of it mattered.  I didn't matter.  It would be easier to simply give up.  I could feel the cold dirt against my cheek as I lay on the ground.  His breath coming closer to me.  I could feel him breathing and could smell his stench.  I shut my eyes, willing myself to die.  Fear froze me.....and then I heard the voice of another.  It was the distinguishable voice of my Father, gently speaking to me.  "My love has never failed you.  I am here and I will never leave you.  I will never forsake you.  You are mine.  You are my child.  Get up and stand strong.  You do not have to fight this battle on your own, because I will fight it for you.  I have already overcome."  His voice was like a sweet aroma over powering the stench of my enemy.  I opened my eyes and reached out to take the hand extended towards me.  His strong arms lifted me out of the dirt I had settled in.  My Helper picked up my helmet and handed it to me.  "You are going to need this."  He picked up my sword that had fallen out of the weak grasp of my hand and placed it back in my hand, firmly closing my fingers around it's hilt.  I felt His strength begin to rush through my being.  I placed my helmet back on my head and bent down to pick up my shield.  And I looked my enemy square in the eyes and I shouted, "Greater is He that is in me then he that is in the world, and He has already overcome the world!"

2 Chronicles 20:17
"You will not have to fight this battle.  Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem.  Do not be afraid;  do not be discouraged.  Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

Ephesians 6:10-17
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

John 16:33  "I have told you these things, so that in my you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."

Ouch.......

This morning, I had had it.  I found my son Colin playing his DS up in his room when he was supposed to be getting ready for school.  I said that's it.  The DS is mine and you can only have it back when ALL your chores are done.  When you get it back, it will be for a limited amount of time.  A little while later, a little whistler blower called out to me, "Mom, Colin said he is not going to follow any of your stupid rules."  I said, "That's fine.  Colin will be choosing to not get his DS back then either."

I went downstairs to take care of the issue.  There was a lot of finger and tongue wagging on my part and I will spare you from all the details, otherwise you will be reading forever; and quite frankly it really has nothing to to with what happened later on.......and what caused the "ouch".  So, to make a long story short, I told Colin that we are going to do what Tim and Lynette are doing.  We are going to have  a point system.  You have to earn your screen time.  Colin looked at me and asked, "Why?  Why do we have to have a point system?"  I looked at him and said, "Because, you don't take the initiative to do these things on your own.  If you were to do them on your own, I wouldn't have to put anything into place to help you do them."  And that is when it hit me.....an idea.  Colin and I headed out the door to the van where the girls were waiting for us.  On our way to school, I presented to them my idea.

They have one week.  One week to show me they will put forth the effort, not only to do their daily chores and do them well, mind you; but then to look around and come and ask if there is something I need help with.  If I see them taking the initiative to show integrity, to do their work well, and then to go above and beyond, look for the messes, and help Rob and I around the house, then I will not put a point system into place.  Because they will be achieving the goal on their own.  If I don't see them taking the initiative, then I will put a point system in place. 

Sounds great theoretically; we will see how it goes.  Here comes the "ouch" part.

On my way home, God pricked my heart.  Just like me, He desires His child to take initiative.  Initiative to do what is right without being forced.  Without the law being laid down.  The law is there, yes, and the law was enforced in my life.  But as I shared in an earlier blog, that law was lifted from me recently.  Not cause I shouldn't follow it or don't have to follow it, but because my Daddy wants me to take the initiative.  He wants me to give 110%.  He wants me to see the messes and join Him in cleaning them up.  He wants me to do it, because I know it is right, because I know it is His will for my life, AND BECAUSE I DESIRE TO.  Ugh!  I'm just like my son!  I have been yelling at my Daddy, "I don't have to follow your stupid rules!"

And God says,"Nope, you don't have to, but then this is what will happen......"  It isn't a threat.  Just a matter of fact truth of natural consequences.

The issue is my heart.  Just like my children, I want to do the minimum.  I want to get by with doing as little as possible and call it good enough.  When the rules and regulations are lifted from me, I run for the border as fast as I can and shout "FREEDOM"  only to find myself once again walking down a path that is leading me back to bondage.  And the struggle begins, between what my Spirit wants and the lusty cry of my flesh.  I have pondered and questioned, "God, why did you lift the rules from me?  I'm a rule follower.  Give me rules, give me regulations, give me laws and I will follow them to the letter.  Why?  Why did you take them away?  It was so much easier."  And the answer is this.  The law was there to teach me.  To bring me out of bondage.  And I experienced freedom from my chains.  So, God lifted the law.  He tested me.  He said, "You know the way to go.  You know what to do.  But I am leaving the choice up to you."  See, He doesn't want a robot named Melody serving Him out of duty and religion; which I am really good at doing.  No, He wants a Melody whose desire has become His desire to do His will.  I find I have failed the test miserably.

Today, God has left me in the same exact situation in which I left my children this morning as I dropped them off at school.  They have a choice.  Choose to take the initiative.  Grow in character and watch our family grow as we learn to work together and serve each other.... OR ....continue to do the minimal.  Have the law established over their life.  And learn to work out of duty and not out of desire.

I have a choice.  Choose to take the initiative.  Grow in character and watch my relationship with Christ blossom even more as I learn to work beside Him and serve Him.... OR .....continue to do the minimal.  Have the law established over my life.  And go back to serving out of duty and religion and not out of desire.

Joshua 24:15 keeps popping up into my mind as I type:

^"If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

I have been challenged.

Blessed Be Your Name

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=7Qp11X6LKYY



So many times I find myself at the beginning of my devotional time asking God for favors.  "Dear, Heavenly Father, will you please help me with my attitude?, God, please give me direction and the desires of my heart, God please........"

This morning, it happened again and I felt a check in my spirit.  God isn't my Santa or my spiritual vending machine.  None of these things are necessarily bad to go to Him about and I know it is ok to approach my Father with my requests.  However, in the middle of it, I see my focus is all on me.  The truth is, it isn't about what I want, what He gives, or what He doesn't give.  It is about who He is no matter what.  It is about Him.  And so, no matter how my life goes, what I receive, what I don't receive, or how my day plays out.......Blessed Be His Name!  He gives and He takes away.  He leads me through times of plenty and walks with me through the dessert where no water can be found.  And through it all I will choose to say, blessed be your name Jesus!  You are worthy of all honor and praise!  It is all about You and Your heart and Your desire, and that is all I need!  So Blessed be your Name!!

A Good Reminder From a Handfull of Clay

Most mornings, on our way to school, I spend some time praying with the children.  Somehow, out of our prayer time, came the topic of why bad things happen to good people.  I explained to my children that sometimes God allows us to walk through very dark and difficult stages of our lives because He is perfecting us.  I used the example of clay and a molded pot.  I asked the kids, why do we put a pot through the fire?  Their answer was straight forward and simple.  To make it hard and so that it can hold water.  In this moment with my kids, the truth of this issue resonated with me.  The fire makes it steadfast and sturdy.  It takes something impressionable and keeps it permenatnly in the shape the molder formed it to be.  The fire takes the pot which once only had potential and transforms it into a pot which can be used for it's intended purpose.  I thought this was so good!

Jesus has taken me, a handful of clay, and has formed me, molded me and shaped me into a vessel of potential.  He has made me for a specific purpose.  He has impressed Himself onto and into  me......

In this moment of molding and shaping, I am in wonder at what He is making me to become.  I stand amazed at the potential I see Him forming.  I know His hand prints and the impression of Him is all over me and I feel abundently loved.  I am excited to see what His plans are for me.  And then, He does the unthinkable.  At least it is unthinkable to me.  He places me in a hot, dry, burning place.  I cry out in pain not understanding why or how He, the one who loved me and formed me, could allow me to suffer.  And yet, I know He still loves me, cause He has always proved Himself faithful.  Eventually, I see a door open, a way out, and I know the loving hand of my Maker is drawing me towards Him.  I look at myself and realize......The shape He formed me in has become permanent.  His impressions on me are visible and nothing can remove them from me.  He tells me I am ready now.......

I am no longer simply full of potential.  Now, I am ready to be used.

What an awesome lesson and reminder for me today!  I don't know the whys of the difficulties of this life, some of which or so horrible I can't even begin to imagine or understand.  There are simply no answers sometimes.  But He knows and He is still in control.  And if we allow Him and we choose to trust Him, He will bring us through it refined, beautiful, and ready for His purposes.  It makes me want to shout, "BRING IT ON THEN!"  And yet, I cringe knowing the fire is a difficult thing to go through.

So God I pray for you to mold me.  Shape me into a vessel of potential.  Impress yourself into me and on me.......and then set me on fire.  And in the fire, I ask you to strengthen me so that I will not falter.  I desire to be taken from a vessel full of potential to a vessel that is ready to be used.  Thank you Jesus

Isaiah 64:8
"Yet, O Lord, you are our Father.  We are the clay, you are the potter;  we are all the work of your hand."