Yesterday, if you had asked me to blog or share about the last few weeks of battles that have been waging war in my heart, I would have said no. It is hard to share when your prayers are demands, questions, tears, and sometimes screams. But today, thank God, it is a new day and I feel compelled to share. Not because I have come through perfect and unscathed, but because I pray my battle scars and then my victory will bring encouragement to the heart who is reading this, who is still in the middle of the battle, who's prayers are still screams that seem to echo off of empty walls and to remind myself of God's precious words to me.
I have wanted to post before, but have felt unable to. The war I have been fighting through the past year has been long and each new battle has left me pushed down farther. In moments, I would rise again and feel strong only to be a short lived victory as another week would usher in the beginning of another battle.
It's been a year of returned depression. Twice it has hit. Twice I have cried out in pain the question "why!? I have been healed of this. Why is returning?" Twice, by God's grace and the prayers and ministry of friends I have been ushered out of it. I thought the war was over. But before I knew it our family was hit with illness, financial stress brought on by large hospital bills and broken sweepers, a car accident involving deer meeting the front end of the van, job loss, false assumptions and false allegations.... fear of the future and the unknown and confusion have been a constant companion. Each new battle coming in two week increments....a pattern I began to prepare myself for and would cringe each time more bad news came.
Confusion wrapped itself around my mind like a heavy rain cloud that never went away. I would see a glimpse of the sun, but then it was quickly wiped out with more bad news, fear, and an overall sense of hopelessness. I began to feel like I could no longer dream. It seemed each time I would begin to dream again, something would happen, hindering any step towards achieving the dream. Not dreaming, is a bit of death to my soul. Dreaming is a part of me, it always has been.
The emotional roller coaster I was on exhausted me. I would fight to hold onto hope. I would find bondage broken, I would rest for a few moments, I would get to the top, breathing in after holding onto my breath because I was too afraid to breath......only to be crashing back down the other side, reckless, unsafe, scared to death, and holding on for dear life. Everything I thought I knew and understood didn't match up with the reality of life.
It is in times like these that I am incredibly thankful for God fearing friends, their encouragement, and the fearlessness in speaking life into the dark places of my soul....not knowing how I will respond, but burning inside with a message from God that must be shared with me, they speak anyways. What a gift from God friends like that are.
One such friend texted me a God given picture.....a small girl, wrapped tight in her Father's arms. Struggling. Beating against His chest. Fear and anger and distrust radiating from her eyes as she fought to break free from His arms that she felt were holding her back from wonderful places. She didn't understand, He was holding her tight as she beat against his chest, because He could see things she couldn't see. He was holding her tight, not letting her go because He loved her too much to let her run full tilt into those wonderful places that He knew actually were places she needed to be protected from. He saw danger that she was blinded to.
My friend hit the nail right on the head. My heart broke into a million pieces of humble. It was liked she had looked into my soul and seen me pounding, fists thrashing, beating against my Protector. I began to cry, not because I was ashamed, but because she gave me the ability to stop pounding my fists for a moment and look up into my Fathers eyes and see His unfailing love. His love brought me to my knees. I stopped thrashing and instead allowed strong arms of love to wrap themselves around me. No longer holding me back, but now pulling me in. Not because He changed, but because I stopped fighting. I still had a million and one questions. I still did not understand why we had been facing so many battles in such a short amount of time. But instead of fighting against the Lover of my Soul, I allowed His grace and mercy to wash over me. In that moment I found freedom. In the background of my day, Pandora played and as I texted my friend back...God orchestrated perfectly the play list....and these lyrics washed over my ears:
Come away with me, Come away with me
It's never too late, It's not to late for you
I have a plan for you, I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be full of me
Open up your heart and let me in
I fell to me knees, tears streaming down my face, His love washing over me, His message to me loud and clear resonated through my soul. The fear left. The anger left. I breathed fresh air again.
I wish I could say that was the end of the war. But it hasn't been. It was the end of a battle. I hoped it was the end of the war. I was so ready to move on. I felt strong. Lesson learned. But within a few days a new battle emerged filled with lies, false assumptions, and false allegations. This time, I stood firm. I said "NO! Satan, I see what you are up to! You aren't bringing me down again. Not this time!" My resolve was strong and I was determined to praise and worship on the front line, but over the last week, new blows have come and with each new hit, my resolve began to shake. The fear ushered itself back in. Stress weighed heavy. Anger come flooding back in the form of sarcastic humor that I excused away. Again, I found myself not breathing, holding my breath, my heart racing, and irrational fears of the future filled my mind as I allowed "what if's" to play over and over again.
Yesterday, dear friends, reached out again. Zephaniah 3:17 had my name tagged on it...."Your God is with you. He is mighty to save." Another friend, shared a song ministering to her heart...I listened. It ministered to mine as well. My Father was still with me, even in the new battle. A third friend, reminded me through a devotional about the widow and her small pot of oil that wasn't enough....out of sheer faith she collected more pots and in the end had more than enough oil. All because she stepped out into obedience, she stepped out in faith.
I took a moment and cleared my mind and asked my Heavenly Father a question that I may have asked long ago...when the war started...maybe with each new battle I asked too, I don't remember. If I did ask, I didn't follow through, though.
"What is it that you want me to do then?"
He answered, as quietly and gently as He always does and He said, " Let it go."
I answered, "But you know what he has done to us, right?"
"Yes, I know, but let go."
And I knew, my Father meant to let go of everything....not just that immediate battle, but everything.
It's hard to let go. It's hard to let go of the desire to be justified and vindicated. It is hard to let go of dreams that you may never see come to fruition. It is hard to let go of control and anger. It is hard to let go of not being allowed to say what you really think. It is hard.....But in that moment, I lifted my hands up and out and I let it go.
All along I think I have been fighting the gift He desires to give to me. Like a small, spoiled child on Christmas morning who gets what they need but not what they want and find it under the Christmas tree wrapped in the wrong paper and in the a box that is shaped all wrong. I am that small, spoiled child, stomping my foot and yelling, "I don't want your gift! I wanted this other gift and I wanted it wrapped in pink, not blue, and in a square box, not in a rectangle box....I don't want it!"
In the moment that I lifted my arms, I released the hands gripped in fists and I opened them up too. I stopped looking at what I wanted and I asked one simple question.
"What, Lord, what is it that you want to give to me, then?"
His answer?
"Peace."
Peace. The very thing I really wanted more than anything and yet fought with every ounce of my being, because His peace means letting go of my control. Letting go of how I envision the future and how He will bring about words spoken over us. Letting go. Letting go of my dreams and replacing them with His. Letting go of my fear that I will never have what I want or the goodness that He pours out on others.....you know....God's grace and love and kindness and goodness is for my friends, but not for me. I'm not good enough....Stinkin' Thinkin' to the core, but in truth it is the fear that has bound me. That has kept me from opening up my closed, pounding fists and accepting the gift He knows I desperately need right now. The gift, that once accepted, makes all those worldly wants and wishes pale in comparison. As I accepted His gift yesterday, He brought a song to my mind. One I have heard before, but not one that ever stuck out to me a whole lot. Yesterday it did, as these words kept sounding off in my mind:
"More than you think I am" Over and over. I looked up the song, listened, and allowed it to wash over me:
I'm more than you dreamed
More than you understand
Your days and your times
Were destined for our dance
I catch all your tears
Burn your name on my heart
Be still and trust my plan
I'm more than you think I am
I cannot stand here today and claim that because of what I experienced yesterday, that the future now will be rosy, perfect, and full of all my dreams being handed to me. In all honesty, our family, we are still in the middle of a battle. The battle isn't over and neither is this year of war we have been in. There is no formula or perfect script or prayer to rehearse to promise that the outcome of the battle we are facing will be what I envision and that the end of this battle will put an end to the war we have been in. But isn't that what peace is? The gift my Father wanted to give to me? You can't have peace without war. Peace is standing in the middle of the battle field, with the possibility of more war, without any fear. Peace is standing still and knowing He is Good in the midst of the fight. Peace is handing over all my hand made, man made weapons and instead holding His God made weapons securely in my hands. Peace is in the eye of the storm. And there it is. Peace is in the eye of the storm, as He loves like a hurricane, as I watch madness swirl all around me, confusion, chaos, fear, unknown futures....peace is the quietness in the middle of the chaos.
How I pray that the battle and the long war will soon be over. Before, the thought of more brought me to a place of breaking. Today, the thought of more, though not what I desire, ushers in an opportunity for His strength to be made strong in my weakness. It ushers in His peace. How I pray, that if there is another battle, I will remember what He has asked me to do....and let it all go immediately, opening up my empty hands to receive His peace. Allowing His God-Of-The-Angel-Army Arms to tenderly hold me, instead of pounding against them with angry fists filled with rage.
I blog this, to remind myself, so I can come back and read it again, so I don't forget. I blog this for anyone else in the middle of a battle that is one of many from a long war, in order to offer encouragement....not the perfect prayer to repeat, but encouragement to quiet your heart long enough to allow Him to speak truth and life into a drought ridden heart and soul.
I asked Him yesterday, "why did you take so long to speak, to tell me what to do?"
His answer?
"Because, I needed to take you to a place where you were really ready to listen."
I encourage you as I encourage myself. Don't be stubborn. Be ready to listen at the beginning of the war, at the beginning of the battle. Listening doesn't promise that the war and the battles will disappear, but what it does promise is the opportunity to answer His call, to step out in faith, to walk out whatever He is asking you to do, whether it is to let go or to forgive or to surrender or maybe, if you are like me, all of the above.
More Than you Think I Am
Come Away With Me
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
.....And Then He Answers Your Prayer
The cry of our hearts as children of an almighty God is to be drawn deeper into His heart. I often find myself praying for this: God, just draw me deeper into you. I want to know you in a more intimate way. God have your way with me. Teach me to trust you, so that my faith never waivers in any circumstance.
Sunday, we sang a song during worship service called Good Good Father by Housefires. The bridge declares these words:
Oh it's love so undeniable I, I can hardly speak Peace so unexplainable I, I can hardly think as you call me deeper still, as you call me, deeper still, as you call me deeper still into love, love, love
These lyrics remind me of another song called Oceans that we also sing. It also calls out to our heavenly Father to take us to deep, deep waters, to places unknown where our faith will be made stronger.
The lyrics are beautiful.
The cry is genuine.
The prayer is sincere.
It is the deepest cry of the human heart to be drawn into a more intimate relationship with the one who created us, loves us more than life itself, and desires to walk with us.
And then, God, in all His goodness, answers our prayer......
I want to make sure I am very clear on this next part. I do not want it to be misunderstood, because God is a good, good father. He doesn't curse us with bad things or bad situations.....but he does allow life to happen to us. He allows life to happen to us because He knows it is in these hard situations that He is actually calling us deeper into Himself. Because it is through hard situations that we have a choice to make....to hide ourselves in the cleft of the rock of Jesus Christ OR to run in the other direction, cursing Him as we go.
Let me just say, life around here, in the Wilson household, has been less than ideal over the past 8 weeks. It has been one thing after another. It has reminded me of running a new route in which you think you only have one hill to climb....only to find at the crest of that hill that there is no going down the hill (something I look very forward to), in fact, there is a new hill to climb. We have had major illness with Colin's appendicitis and discovered duodenal ulcers which brought on financial stress and uncertainty which was added to when I hit two deer with our van doing major damage to the vehicle, our sweeper broke and last week we found out about more uncertainties...part of which we are still smack dab in the middle of. I'm beginning to feel like a country song. I have been all over the place with my emotions.
There has been anger towards God. How can He allow all of these things to hit us all at once? Spreading it out over a year would have been more manageable. Not to mention, we have been obedient! We have done the things He has asked us to do... not perfectly....but we have worked towards obedience. And has He forgotten all we have given and already done for Him? There were several days that God got an earful from me.
There has been doubt. Do you really love me? You say you do, but how can this be love? How can you do this to me when my brothers and sisters seem to receive blessing after blessing? Why am I not as good as them? Why do you pick on me? Have you forgotten me?! Have you forgotten all of the promises you have laid on my heart!? All of the things you have spoken over me?!
There has been acceptance and excitement. Ok, it will be ok. God has never failed us. Why would He start now? He's got this. You are doing something new God, and I am excited to see what it is!
And then back to hopelessness.....Why would I start hoping now? Everything else I have hoped for you have taken from me.... and that is where He stopped me. And looking back on things, it was a good thing, because HONESTLY, even in the hardness of the past 8 weeks, I have had so many things to still give thanks for. But this is where He stopped me and He said:
"That is the problem. You have put your hope in things and not in me."
Ouch. That will shut you up. It stopped me mid tirade....because it was the truth.
The problem is I like to have answers. And God has brought me to a place where I have no answer. I have no solution. No answer to the why or the how or the when. He has brought me to a place and may I add; looking back at our past 8 weeks, He has gently brought me to this place. His hand was definitely on our lives still; things could have been far worse. Colin's appendix could have ruptured. We could have had doctors that were unwilling to do a scope on him and we would never have known about the ulcers. He could have tested positive for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia, but he didn't. The deer could have gone through our window shields. The children and I could have been injured in that accident. I could have lost control of the van...but we didn't. I see His grace and mercy in all of this. Gently He has brought me to a place where I am now at the end of my solutions. And I see that I have a choice. I see that through this experience, He has answered my deepest heart cry. I see how He is drawing me deeper into His heart, into a place of leaning completely on Him, trusting Him, growing my faith...things I have yearned for.
I forget. Growth takes effort and work. I forget that the most beautiful gardens have had their fair share of well, you know, fecal material, covering them. I forget in the midst of trial is the answer to my prayer and God allows these times in our lives to happen because He is answering my prayer. There is a lot of encouragement in that. Out of this brokenness will come beauty. Out of the unknown will come answers...eventually. Out of the doubt and fear and anger will come a trust and a faith that can only be birthed out of adversity. Out of weakness will come a praise that can not be quieted down.
I have so far to go. Tomorrow, I might fluctuate in my feelings again. I might struggle some more. BUT I HAVE THIS HOPE.....out of the struggle comes a deeper, stronger, and more grounded faith. I yearn for that. Faith that can move mountains. Faith that doesn't waiver. Faith, that in the face of adversity, sings louder and doesn't move. Faith that stands still and waits.
I encourage you too. If you are struggling, if things are happening that you can not begin to understand, if you are going through a painful time in life....don't give up. God is doing a work inside of your life. He is answering the deepest cry of your heart. He is calling you deeper, and deeper, and deeper in love....into Himself. Do not loose heart. Lean heavier on Him. Trust Him more fully and as the storm rages around you, remember, He has your life hidden in the palm of His hand. He has not forsaken you and He has not forgotten you.
Sunday, we sang a song during worship service called Good Good Father by Housefires. The bridge declares these words:
Oh it's love so undeniable I, I can hardly speak Peace so unexplainable I, I can hardly think as you call me deeper still, as you call me, deeper still, as you call me deeper still into love, love, love
These lyrics remind me of another song called Oceans that we also sing. It also calls out to our heavenly Father to take us to deep, deep waters, to places unknown where our faith will be made stronger.
The lyrics are beautiful.
The cry is genuine.
The prayer is sincere.
It is the deepest cry of the human heart to be drawn into a more intimate relationship with the one who created us, loves us more than life itself, and desires to walk with us.
And then, God, in all His goodness, answers our prayer......
I want to make sure I am very clear on this next part. I do not want it to be misunderstood, because God is a good, good father. He doesn't curse us with bad things or bad situations.....but he does allow life to happen to us. He allows life to happen to us because He knows it is in these hard situations that He is actually calling us deeper into Himself. Because it is through hard situations that we have a choice to make....to hide ourselves in the cleft of the rock of Jesus Christ OR to run in the other direction, cursing Him as we go.
Let me just say, life around here, in the Wilson household, has been less than ideal over the past 8 weeks. It has been one thing after another. It has reminded me of running a new route in which you think you only have one hill to climb....only to find at the crest of that hill that there is no going down the hill (something I look very forward to), in fact, there is a new hill to climb. We have had major illness with Colin's appendicitis and discovered duodenal ulcers which brought on financial stress and uncertainty which was added to when I hit two deer with our van doing major damage to the vehicle, our sweeper broke and last week we found out about more uncertainties...part of which we are still smack dab in the middle of. I'm beginning to feel like a country song. I have been all over the place with my emotions.
There has been anger towards God. How can He allow all of these things to hit us all at once? Spreading it out over a year would have been more manageable. Not to mention, we have been obedient! We have done the things He has asked us to do... not perfectly....but we have worked towards obedience. And has He forgotten all we have given and already done for Him? There were several days that God got an earful from me.
There has been doubt. Do you really love me? You say you do, but how can this be love? How can you do this to me when my brothers and sisters seem to receive blessing after blessing? Why am I not as good as them? Why do you pick on me? Have you forgotten me?! Have you forgotten all of the promises you have laid on my heart!? All of the things you have spoken over me?!
There has been acceptance and excitement. Ok, it will be ok. God has never failed us. Why would He start now? He's got this. You are doing something new God, and I am excited to see what it is!
And then back to hopelessness.....Why would I start hoping now? Everything else I have hoped for you have taken from me.... and that is where He stopped me. And looking back on things, it was a good thing, because HONESTLY, even in the hardness of the past 8 weeks, I have had so many things to still give thanks for. But this is where He stopped me and He said:
"That is the problem. You have put your hope in things and not in me."
Ouch. That will shut you up. It stopped me mid tirade....because it was the truth.
The problem is I like to have answers. And God has brought me to a place where I have no answer. I have no solution. No answer to the why or the how or the when. He has brought me to a place and may I add; looking back at our past 8 weeks, He has gently brought me to this place. His hand was definitely on our lives still; things could have been far worse. Colin's appendix could have ruptured. We could have had doctors that were unwilling to do a scope on him and we would never have known about the ulcers. He could have tested positive for Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia, but he didn't. The deer could have gone through our window shields. The children and I could have been injured in that accident. I could have lost control of the van...but we didn't. I see His grace and mercy in all of this. Gently He has brought me to a place where I am now at the end of my solutions. And I see that I have a choice. I see that through this experience, He has answered my deepest heart cry. I see how He is drawing me deeper into His heart, into a place of leaning completely on Him, trusting Him, growing my faith...things I have yearned for.
I forget. Growth takes effort and work. I forget that the most beautiful gardens have had their fair share of well, you know, fecal material, covering them. I forget in the midst of trial is the answer to my prayer and God allows these times in our lives to happen because He is answering my prayer. There is a lot of encouragement in that. Out of this brokenness will come beauty. Out of the unknown will come answers...eventually. Out of the doubt and fear and anger will come a trust and a faith that can only be birthed out of adversity. Out of weakness will come a praise that can not be quieted down.
I have so far to go. Tomorrow, I might fluctuate in my feelings again. I might struggle some more. BUT I HAVE THIS HOPE.....out of the struggle comes a deeper, stronger, and more grounded faith. I yearn for that. Faith that can move mountains. Faith that doesn't waiver. Faith, that in the face of adversity, sings louder and doesn't move. Faith that stands still and waits.
I encourage you too. If you are struggling, if things are happening that you can not begin to understand, if you are going through a painful time in life....don't give up. God is doing a work inside of your life. He is answering the deepest cry of your heart. He is calling you deeper, and deeper, and deeper in love....into Himself. Do not loose heart. Lean heavier on Him. Trust Him more fully and as the storm rages around you, remember, He has your life hidden in the palm of His hand. He has not forsaken you and He has not forgotten you.
Thursday, April 2, 2015
The Word of the Day: Thankfulness
It's been a son with appendicitis and two duodenal ulcers-hospital bills-broken sweeper-hit a deer-van damaged and towed-slammed fingers in the door this morning- sort of month. But this morning as I was shouting at the heavens and pointing fingers at God and daring Him to allow just one more thing to go wrong because you know, what else is going to happen to bring me down, I had to stop and apologize. Because, no matter how much we want someone or something to blame so that we feel vindicated, it doesn't change the fact that, though God knows everything we will encounter before it happens, He is still a good God!!!! And He is still a GOOD FATHER!!! Why do I feel such a need to shake my fist at him when things in my life go hay-wire? After all, He never promised me that walking with Him would be a stroll through a meadow or a rose covered path. He specifically said to expect trial, hardships and tribulations. He simply said that through it He would never leave me, He would provide, He would guide. And when I really take a moment to shut my mouth and lower my raised fist, I can already see His provision....In fact, I am going to venture to say, the list of frustrations this month and trials will be shorter than the list of provisions in the light of thanksgiving. In order to benefit myself, I am going to write the list out. I need to see it.
Trials: appendicitis, hospital bills, insurance issues, a randomly broken sweeper head, hit a deer, van can't be driven, slammed my fingers in the door
Thanksgiving: Colin is alive, the insurance issues are being worked out, Colin's health is improving and because of the appendicitis we were able to address the ulcers that we knew nothing about, the sweeper can be fixed and I have a good excuse not to clean right now ;), we hit the deer head on and it did not go through a window, the air bag (though it was threatening too) did not deploy into my face and Katie's face, we are alive, we have a car to borrow, we have auto insurance, and I still have my fingers, and did I mention.....we are alive.
See, it's longer and in the light of what millions of others are going through, even my own trials which have felt discouraging and heavy to me, are small. So today, I am choosing to stop shaking my fist and daring God to "bring it on" (what a foolish thing to say, but I believe He understands), and instead give thanks.
A year ago, I started reading 10,000 Gifts and in it, she encourages thankfulness in the middle of the hardship...even the little things and most definitely in the big things. I started a list of thankfulness....I stopped writing things down a while ago....but for my own sake, I think I need to start again. Looks like I stopped writing them down last fall. I had made it to #20....so today I will begin again with #21:
#21 The health and well being of my family
#22 Giving parents
#23 We are alive
#24 An encouraging husband
#25 Quite moments in which I remember to give thanks
#26 A gracious heavenly Father who can handle my yelling and fist shaking
#27 A good, good Father, who quietly speaks truth into a frustrated heart
I need to keep adding to this list. Not because I need one more thing to remember to write down, but because I need to see it on paper. The blessings compared to the frustrations. I forget so easily because I focus to hard on the negative. One of my favorite sayings is, "there is beauty in brokenness".....it is focusing on the beauty that helps me to walk through the brokenness and I need to do it more often.
Last night, through the accident and the process, this song rang through my heart and my head over and over again. I woke up with it....it's what I MUST remember during these times. He is a good, good Father and I am loved by Him. NO circumstance in this life will ever change that fact.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djrY_eFDOwE
Trials: appendicitis, hospital bills, insurance issues, a randomly broken sweeper head, hit a deer, van can't be driven, slammed my fingers in the door
Thanksgiving: Colin is alive, the insurance issues are being worked out, Colin's health is improving and because of the appendicitis we were able to address the ulcers that we knew nothing about, the sweeper can be fixed and I have a good excuse not to clean right now ;), we hit the deer head on and it did not go through a window, the air bag (though it was threatening too) did not deploy into my face and Katie's face, we are alive, we have a car to borrow, we have auto insurance, and I still have my fingers, and did I mention.....we are alive.
See, it's longer and in the light of what millions of others are going through, even my own trials which have felt discouraging and heavy to me, are small. So today, I am choosing to stop shaking my fist and daring God to "bring it on" (what a foolish thing to say, but I believe He understands), and instead give thanks.
A year ago, I started reading 10,000 Gifts and in it, she encourages thankfulness in the middle of the hardship...even the little things and most definitely in the big things. I started a list of thankfulness....I stopped writing things down a while ago....but for my own sake, I think I need to start again. Looks like I stopped writing them down last fall. I had made it to #20....so today I will begin again with #21:
#21 The health and well being of my family
#22 Giving parents
#23 We are alive
#24 An encouraging husband
#25 Quite moments in which I remember to give thanks
#26 A gracious heavenly Father who can handle my yelling and fist shaking
#27 A good, good Father, who quietly speaks truth into a frustrated heart
I need to keep adding to this list. Not because I need one more thing to remember to write down, but because I need to see it on paper. The blessings compared to the frustrations. I forget so easily because I focus to hard on the negative. One of my favorite sayings is, "there is beauty in brokenness".....it is focusing on the beauty that helps me to walk through the brokenness and I need to do it more often.
Last night, through the accident and the process, this song rang through my heart and my head over and over again. I woke up with it....it's what I MUST remember during these times. He is a good, good Father and I am loved by Him. NO circumstance in this life will ever change that fact.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djrY_eFDOwE
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Too Good To Keep To Myself
I mentioned in a previous post that I have been reading a book by David Platt. It has encouraged me a lot and really challenged me as I have read it. Today was no exception. He was talking about how to know God's will for your life and suggests that the idea of us running after God's will or trying to find God's will is actually, maybe, missing the entire point of what it means to be a disciple of Christ.
That has been me. Always questioning. Always searching. Always wondering. Should I? Shouldn't I? Does God want me to pursue this or that? What if I hear wrong? Worse yet, what if I choose wrong? As I type this, I can feel the heaviness of the burden those questions lead too. Maybe that should have been a clue to me in the first place that God's will isn't intended to be found. I don't have to go on a hide and seek mission to discover it. God's will is not a to do list, something I like cause then when I check something off I feel accomplished, it is not rules....it is instead "a relationship that God wants us to experience every day."
In other words, I have been striving after something that has been smack dab in front of my face all along.....the person of Jesus. In Him is His will for me. And as I walk with Him, listen to His voice, learn to know His heartbeat as well as I know my own, in there lies His will for me.
Why have I made it so hard for myself, thinking I had to discover His will, instead of simply focusing on Him. I can imagine Him watching me and asking:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm searching."
"For what?"
"For your will for me."
"It's right here."
"Where? I don't see it and I so badly want to know what it is so I don't fail you."
"Stop."
"Stop what?"
"Stop looking and look at me. My will for you is right here in Me and I'm right here in front of you."
I don't have to keep looking. It's been there all along. It's been me that has been distracted. Distracted by trying to seek out something that has already been given. It was already offered. He pursued me. I answered. In His pursuit of me, in my answer, in our communion and fellowship lies His will for me. Oswald Chambers says it like this:
"To be so much in contact with God that you never need to ask Him to show you His will, is to be nearing the final stage of your discipline in the life of faith. When you are rightly related to God, it is a life of freedom and liberty and delight, you are God's will, and all your common-sense decisions are His will for you unless He checks. You decide things in perfect delightful friendship with God, knowing that if your decisions are wrong He will always check; when He checks, stop at once."
A few words stick out to me. YOU ARE GOD'S WILL. That is just precious. At least for me. Because that takes all the pressure of performance off of me to please Him, to make sure I don't fail. Hmmmm.....I am His will. That statement feels like the warmth of the sun on a cool spring day. That statement ushers in peace. That statement lets me know.....all I need is Him. All I need is to continue to know God, to relate to Him, to spend time with Him. It is out of that relationship that the rest of the details of my life naturally get worked out. But He is the key. There is no fear left. No fear in getting it wrong. Misunderstanding. Making a left turn when I should have gone right. All I have to do is allow Him to lead me and if I make a mistake and start down the wrong path, to trust 100%, that He will not allow me to go far without "checking" me. And all of this? All of this is born out of my relationship with Him. I can feel the weight lifting. Jesus. All I need is Jesus.
The other thing that pops out to me is this: All YOUR COMMON-SENSE DESICIONS ARE HIS WILL FOR YOU. This makes me chuckle. All my common-sense decisions. How many times have I made bone-headed decisions and then blamed the consequences on God? Common-sense. That makes me smile. Cause where is that common-sense going to come from? :) My relationship with Him, of course. Seriously, I know when I make stupid choices and just because I am having this moment of clarity right now, doesn't mean that in two minutes I might make a bone-headed decision. In fact, I'm counting on it, cause I'm not perfect. But, it's ok. Cause those bone-headed choices are just a sign that maybe I need a bit more time with my Daddy and that maybe I CHOSE not to listen to a bit of common sense that I already know born out of my time spent with Him. I will be the first to admit, sometimes I just choose not to listen because ...... well..... I don't know.....just because I don't want to listen. Because I don't feel like it. Because I think I know better. But I like that Oswald Chamber added this part....it's actually pretty important, because it would be easy to sit back and say, "Well, I have a good relationship with Jesus so no matter what I do it will be His will for me." Nope, that is treading on the edge of a 50 foot cliff. There is a bit of common-sense involved. I know what my Jesus desires for me, because I have spent time with Him. If I make stupid choices to walk away from that.....well......I am pretty much asking for a bruising. Not because Jesus will beat me up, but because I will fall and falling is a natural consequence of not using my head. He doesn't like to watch me fall anymore than I like to watch my own children fall and get bruised. But as a parent, we often watch our children struggle, not because we enjoy it, or because is what we want for them, but because they made some poor decisions. My heavenly Father doesn't like to watch me stumble and fall either....but sometimes I make some pretty poor decisions because I choose to walk out of step with Him.
It reminds me of a verse in Galatians that say: "Since we live in the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."
All my chatter in this blog, is summed up in this last statement by David Platt:
"The more we know God, and the more we walk in his will, the more we understand how foolish it is to think that he would ever want to hide it from us. Instead, we realize that God's desire for us to know his will is exponentially greater than our desire to know it. He desires for us to know his will so much that he reveals it to us in his Word."
It comes down to Jesus, me, and our relationship. It's that simple.
That has been me. Always questioning. Always searching. Always wondering. Should I? Shouldn't I? Does God want me to pursue this or that? What if I hear wrong? Worse yet, what if I choose wrong? As I type this, I can feel the heaviness of the burden those questions lead too. Maybe that should have been a clue to me in the first place that God's will isn't intended to be found. I don't have to go on a hide and seek mission to discover it. God's will is not a to do list, something I like cause then when I check something off I feel accomplished, it is not rules....it is instead "a relationship that God wants us to experience every day."
In other words, I have been striving after something that has been smack dab in front of my face all along.....the person of Jesus. In Him is His will for me. And as I walk with Him, listen to His voice, learn to know His heartbeat as well as I know my own, in there lies His will for me.
Why have I made it so hard for myself, thinking I had to discover His will, instead of simply focusing on Him. I can imagine Him watching me and asking:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm searching."
"For what?"
"For your will for me."
"It's right here."
"Where? I don't see it and I so badly want to know what it is so I don't fail you."
"Stop."
"Stop what?"
"Stop looking and look at me. My will for you is right here in Me and I'm right here in front of you."
I don't have to keep looking. It's been there all along. It's been me that has been distracted. Distracted by trying to seek out something that has already been given. It was already offered. He pursued me. I answered. In His pursuit of me, in my answer, in our communion and fellowship lies His will for me. Oswald Chambers says it like this:
"To be so much in contact with God that you never need to ask Him to show you His will, is to be nearing the final stage of your discipline in the life of faith. When you are rightly related to God, it is a life of freedom and liberty and delight, you are God's will, and all your common-sense decisions are His will for you unless He checks. You decide things in perfect delightful friendship with God, knowing that if your decisions are wrong He will always check; when He checks, stop at once."
A few words stick out to me. YOU ARE GOD'S WILL. That is just precious. At least for me. Because that takes all the pressure of performance off of me to please Him, to make sure I don't fail. Hmmmm.....I am His will. That statement feels like the warmth of the sun on a cool spring day. That statement ushers in peace. That statement lets me know.....all I need is Him. All I need is to continue to know God, to relate to Him, to spend time with Him. It is out of that relationship that the rest of the details of my life naturally get worked out. But He is the key. There is no fear left. No fear in getting it wrong. Misunderstanding. Making a left turn when I should have gone right. All I have to do is allow Him to lead me and if I make a mistake and start down the wrong path, to trust 100%, that He will not allow me to go far without "checking" me. And all of this? All of this is born out of my relationship with Him. I can feel the weight lifting. Jesus. All I need is Jesus.
The other thing that pops out to me is this: All YOUR COMMON-SENSE DESICIONS ARE HIS WILL FOR YOU. This makes me chuckle. All my common-sense decisions. How many times have I made bone-headed decisions and then blamed the consequences on God? Common-sense. That makes me smile. Cause where is that common-sense going to come from? :) My relationship with Him, of course. Seriously, I know when I make stupid choices and just because I am having this moment of clarity right now, doesn't mean that in two minutes I might make a bone-headed decision. In fact, I'm counting on it, cause I'm not perfect. But, it's ok. Cause those bone-headed choices are just a sign that maybe I need a bit more time with my Daddy and that maybe I CHOSE not to listen to a bit of common sense that I already know born out of my time spent with Him. I will be the first to admit, sometimes I just choose not to listen because ...... well..... I don't know.....just because I don't want to listen. Because I don't feel like it. Because I think I know better. But I like that Oswald Chamber added this part....it's actually pretty important, because it would be easy to sit back and say, "Well, I have a good relationship with Jesus so no matter what I do it will be His will for me." Nope, that is treading on the edge of a 50 foot cliff. There is a bit of common-sense involved. I know what my Jesus desires for me, because I have spent time with Him. If I make stupid choices to walk away from that.....well......I am pretty much asking for a bruising. Not because Jesus will beat me up, but because I will fall and falling is a natural consequence of not using my head. He doesn't like to watch me fall anymore than I like to watch my own children fall and get bruised. But as a parent, we often watch our children struggle, not because we enjoy it, or because is what we want for them, but because they made some poor decisions. My heavenly Father doesn't like to watch me stumble and fall either....but sometimes I make some pretty poor decisions because I choose to walk out of step with Him.
It reminds me of a verse in Galatians that say: "Since we live in the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."
All my chatter in this blog, is summed up in this last statement by David Platt:
"The more we know God, and the more we walk in his will, the more we understand how foolish it is to think that he would ever want to hide it from us. Instead, we realize that God's desire for us to know his will is exponentially greater than our desire to know it. He desires for us to know his will so much that he reveals it to us in his Word."
It comes down to Jesus, me, and our relationship. It's that simple.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
My Response to God
I often find myself in a crazy cycle. I pray. I ask God for things. He answers. If I like the answer, I sing and shout His praises. If I don't like the answer, I grump, whine, complain and doubt a bit whether He really loves me and why He doesn't seem to love me as much as my brother or sister in Christ who is getting what I want or has been receiving all of their hopes and dreams in a pretty pink hand basket. It is a really rough, emotional ride. A bit like a roller coaster. Dizzy like a merry go round.
One of the things that I have been learning more is that my need for Jesus isn't and can't be based on what He can do for me...He isn't a genie in a bottle or Santa Clause. It is, however, based on what he has already done on the cross for me. I can bring my hopes, dreams, and requests to Him knowing He will answer them with love and with the bigger picture in mind....but His answer cannot be the thing I use to choose how I respond to Him. He doesn't always answer the way I want to be answered. He is a perfect parent and takes everything into consideration and answers me accordingly. The question there is: do I trust His judgment? Do I trust Him?
If I allow His answers to be the scale on which I weigh my responses, especially when I don't like His answers, I turn into a tantrum throwing, manipulative, see-what-I-can-get-out-of-you child of God.
The thing is, God doesn't owe me anything because He has already given me everything. I desire that my response, my worship, my time, my praise is based on one thing only.....I praise Him, I desire Him, I love Him, I spend time with Him, I worship Him because of His sacrifice for me on the cross. His gift has already been given. His payment (something that was mine, but He lifted that debt for me by taking it on Himself) already paid when He chose to pay a debt I can't ever pay. My response based on this fact alone is a firm foundation compared to a response based on whether He gives me what I want right now.
It's like a read in a book recently by David Platt. God is not waiting up in heaven with a pen and paper writing my requests down as I bring them to Him. He already knows what I need before I ever whisper it to Him. What He desires and what I desire is simply time with Him. Not because He can perform for me, but because I love Him who first loved me! I want Him because of who He is, not because He is my genie in a Bible!
I will still take my requests to Him, because He said I could. Because He can handle my requests, my desires, my longings, and my hopes and dreams. He cares about what I care about because He is my Father and I am His child. But I desire that my praise no longer be hinged on whether or not He answers me the way I want Him to. It causes me to be unsteady, wishy washy, and distrustful. I don't want that. I want my feet firmly planted in the knowledge that what Jesus has already accomplished on the cross is all I need. The rest of it......the cares of this world, the distractions, are really nothing and I do not want them to any longer dictate my relationship and my response to my heavenly Father who has already given everything there is for me.
Steadily Learning and Growing in His Grace,
Melody
One of the things that I have been learning more is that my need for Jesus isn't and can't be based on what He can do for me...He isn't a genie in a bottle or Santa Clause. It is, however, based on what he has already done on the cross for me. I can bring my hopes, dreams, and requests to Him knowing He will answer them with love and with the bigger picture in mind....but His answer cannot be the thing I use to choose how I respond to Him. He doesn't always answer the way I want to be answered. He is a perfect parent and takes everything into consideration and answers me accordingly. The question there is: do I trust His judgment? Do I trust Him?
If I allow His answers to be the scale on which I weigh my responses, especially when I don't like His answers, I turn into a tantrum throwing, manipulative, see-what-I-can-get-out-of-you child of God.
The thing is, God doesn't owe me anything because He has already given me everything. I desire that my response, my worship, my time, my praise is based on one thing only.....I praise Him, I desire Him, I love Him, I spend time with Him, I worship Him because of His sacrifice for me on the cross. His gift has already been given. His payment (something that was mine, but He lifted that debt for me by taking it on Himself) already paid when He chose to pay a debt I can't ever pay. My response based on this fact alone is a firm foundation compared to a response based on whether He gives me what I want right now.
It's like a read in a book recently by David Platt. God is not waiting up in heaven with a pen and paper writing my requests down as I bring them to Him. He already knows what I need before I ever whisper it to Him. What He desires and what I desire is simply time with Him. Not because He can perform for me, but because I love Him who first loved me! I want Him because of who He is, not because He is my genie in a Bible!
I will still take my requests to Him, because He said I could. Because He can handle my requests, my desires, my longings, and my hopes and dreams. He cares about what I care about because He is my Father and I am His child. But I desire that my praise no longer be hinged on whether or not He answers me the way I want Him to. It causes me to be unsteady, wishy washy, and distrustful. I don't want that. I want my feet firmly planted in the knowledge that what Jesus has already accomplished on the cross is all I need. The rest of it......the cares of this world, the distractions, are really nothing and I do not want them to any longer dictate my relationship and my response to my heavenly Father who has already given everything there is for me.
Steadily Learning and Growing in His Grace,
Melody
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I Am Enough
I have spent most of my life feeling either like I am too much for people to deal with...to dramatic, to emotional, too perfect, too good, to excited, to complex, to active, to elaborate, dream to big, have to expensive of a taste
OR
feeling like I'm not enough....not strong enough, not big enough, not capable enough, not good enough, not acceptable enough, not perfect enough
Either way, I have felt displeasing to those around me.
And that is why I am so in love with my Jesus. Because I am finding, that in Him, I am lacking nothing. I am not too much to handle and I am not to little to be worth something. In Him, I am complete.
He can handle me. He can handle me beating Him on the chest, crying, screaming at Him that life is not fair, asking Him why, and demanding answers. He can handle my huge dreams and hopes, my drama, my complexity, my emotions, and my racing mind.
He can also handle me in my very smallness, my weakness, every time I stumble, and not just stumble, but fall over the SAME stone over and over and over again. He can handle my inabilities, my imperfections.
His response to me is always the same. Open arms and gentle love. Sometimes, He tells me what I need to hear even when He knows it will prick my soul, but He never belittles me. He never throws His hands up in defeat and says, "I don't know what to do with you anymore. You are just too much!" He strengthens me in my weakness, helps me up when I fall, dusts my pants off, kisses me on the forehead, and says, "try again. You haven't failed. Just try again."
He loves me perfectly and in Him I am complete.
And because I am complete in Him, I can learn to stand secure in who I am in Him.
I want to encourage you today....if you feel like you are too much or not enough or maybe both....there is one in whom you can find complete wholeness, in whom, no matter what, you are enough. Not because of anything you have done or not done, but simply because of what He has done for you and for me.
With arms opened wide and spread out
With a bruised brow and a broken body
He became the enough in all of our imperfections and inadequacies
That is why, in Him and only Him, you and I can be enough, can be complete, because through Him; He has made us complete and whole and enough.
You are enough. You are acceptable and you are adequate.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
I Am Thankful Give Away
So, I just now noticed that since starting this blog, I have had 3,817 page views. That is kind of cool. :) I do not normally do give aways and things, because that is not the focus of this blog, nor do I desire to give things away in order to twist the arms of people just to get them to like my page so it looks like I have an awesome and popular blog LOL! However, today I thought, in light of the season and my last post, it might be fun to offer a give away, just for fun and to offer encouragement to others who you are friends with on Facebook by sharing your favorite blog post and something you are thankful for in your current season. I am not good at these things, nor do I even know how to do them properly, so we will see how this goes! :D
When my blog reaches 4,000 page views, I will do a random drawing for a pair of fabulous, hand knit, color of your choice, cable knit fingerless gloves for the winner to enjoy wearing during this winter season or next winter season depending on how fast I can get them knit lol! You know, a little bit of beauty to give thanks for in the midst of this season. How do you get your name into the drawing? Just take a moment to check out my blog (that helps add to the page views), Share the blog post on your page that has brought you the most encouragement, and comment under this current posting with your name or by sharing one thing you are thankful for in this winter season and/or in the life season you are currently in. :)
Give Away Details:
When my blog reaches 4,000 page views, I will do a random drawing for a pair of fabulous, hand knit, color of your choice, cable knit fingerless gloves for the winner to enjoy wearing during this winter season or next winter season depending on how fast I can get them knit lol! You know, a little bit of beauty to give thanks for in the midst of this season. How do you get your name into the drawing? Just take a moment to check out my blog (that helps add to the page views), Share the blog post on your page that has brought you the most encouragement, and comment under this current posting with your name or by sharing one thing you are thankful for in this winter season and/or in the life season you are currently in. :)
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